Lessons From Adoptive Parents
Others benefit from our experiences and challenges. Adoptive parenting has changed as much if not more than any other area of adoption over the years. Is it more difficult? No. But it is different - and it's these differences for parents that make things better for children and better for family dynamics today.
So many of our family options weren't common occurrences in the 40s and 50s: open adoption, international adoption, multicultural families, gay parent-by-adoption families, single parent-by-adoption families, and even adoption from foster care as we know it today. And these optionspresent parents with unique situations and challenges.
Briefly, what has happened in adoptive families reflects what has occurred throughout society - more openness. We're speaking out about issues like infertility (which my parents would have been horrified even to hear mentioned), birth families, difficult and/or hurtful family histories,emotional and behavioral problems, etc. And as our collective voice is raised, child development specialists and professionals have taken notice.
Adoptive parents have greater responsibilities today: to learn more before they adopt, to talk to their kids with age-appropriate words and concepts, to stress unconditional love even when that may mean placing a child in residential care (extreme, but not uncommon), to support theirchildren in a search for birth family if the children so choose, to teach their children about racism and prejudice even within the family, and more.
On the plus side, there is an enormous amount of pre- and post-adoption support, education, medical services, and information out there that never existed in my parents' day. Children are benefiting not only from the honesty that exists within the family, but have the opportunity from a very young age to develop a dialog with their parents that serves them well throughout otherstages in life that are generally difficult for
all families - puberty, teenidentity struggles, etc.
As with all of our various family types, nothing is perfect, and our kids sometimes arrive in our families with challenges and life experiences that play havoc with their little selves, leaving them unable to cope or interact without a great deal of help, if at all. But because of the increased openness, we can talk about it, ask for help, share our challenges, and do increasingly more to help our children.
Unfortunately, in my parents' time (I was adopted in the 40s), many children with problems were not given the help they needed - both because specialized diagnoses and help weren't available, and also because of the self-imposed isolation ofsilence.
Lynn Johnson, an early childhood development expert, credits this openness about sensitive issues, which originated with adoptive families, for an increased understanding of children, family, and parenting outside the adoption community as well. She writes,
One issue in particular where we've gained significant insight through that process is attachment. As a result of that insight, we're learning that, even in more subtle forms of abandonment, neglect and abuse also result in attachment-affected children. Dual working parents, multiple care-givers, broken families and stress-out, pre-occupied parents are all circumstances that can hinder the attachment-bonding process. Add harsh childrearing practices to the mix and you have all but eliminated opportunity for healthy attachment to develop. The attitudes and behaviors of our youth today, I think, are reflective of that.
Gangs are a prime example. The primary reason gang members say they joined a gang, is for the sense of family and acceptance they feel with their gang sisters and brothers. Evidently, they don't feel accepted by or connected to their own families. Society needs to address why kids are growing up emotionally detached, resentful, and angry - and work towards solutions.
If parents today, as a whole, held that sense of responsibility to understand child development that adoptive parents do, we'd be much betteroff.
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