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Kinship Care and Strings Attached

Originally published in the Winter 2002 Issue of Fostering Families TODAY, reprinted by permission

My wife recently expressed to me her desire to swoop over Afghanistan rescuing orphaned young people, bringing to America as many as she could gather. Her heart has always been tender towards young children, especially babies and toddlers in horrendous situations such as is the plight of all Afghan children today.

Indeed, as foster/adoptive parents, our hearts hurt for the young people of this war-torn, or any war-torn, impoverished and disease-ridden nation. We would love to comfort fears and dry tears as great terror, loss and grief is expressed. And we do. Some of us have gone through adoption agencies such as Holt International. Others may have initiated private adoptions domestically while for yet others, such as Diane and I, the genesis of adoption was through fostering for a public agency. Some of us are strictly foster parents with no desire to adopt at all. In any event, our hearts are bent towards the unfortunate children who are experiencing their own terror and grief, even if they didn't come from the opposite end of the globe, but just from the other side of town.

As an ex-Iowa Department of Human Services worker and a former foster care specialist for a private agency, I have interacted with myriad foster children of all ages and foster/adoptive parents who do their best to love them. Some of those with whom I've worked have taken in as foster children their own nieces/nephews, brothers/sisters, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. The mandates of PUBLIC LAW 96-272 dictate that the placing worker MUST first attempt to place a child in a relative home and document in the case permanency plan why that was not an option.

Kinship care, theoretically, is the best option when a child must leave the parental home. As a worker, I was not always privy to the "next of kin" when a court order was issued. And many times, for whatever reasons, the parents did not want their child going into a relative's care.

Moreover, I have heard workers and foster parents verbalize that "the nut doesn't fall very far from the tree," meaning if a parent is "messed up," then the whole family of origin must have major problems. In some cases, this may be true, but an overgeneralization of such is always inappropriate. I have witnessed many devoted and committed aunts and uncles, grandparents and other family members give 150% to helping wayward youth get back on track. Whether or not the "new addition" will choose to do so is neither here nor there. These caregivers believed it was their "ministry" to do this. After all, family is family. They will rest assured they did the best they could to positively influence a young life.

I currently have a 14-year-old nephew in foster care less than an hour away. My brother, long separated from the mother of his child who was NOT given custody, did not want his son getting a "reward" for misbehavior by living with me, his favorite uncle. It has been 30-some months and Shawn is still in care, possibly looking at being adopted by his new family. Yes, it saddens all of us that events took this turn. However, I also believe that Shawn is being well cared for and doing much better with a greater chance of life success with the structure and guidance in his new environment (and his father reluctantly and sadly agrees). Would he choose to do as well in my home had Dad agreed to let him come here? Honestly... I don't know. Given the more street-wise, delinquent boys I have had in my home, Shawn might have gotten eaten alive. Ideally, adopted or not, the new family would allow all of us to keep contact. Currently, this is not happening and is explained away by the phrase "best interest of the child."

While my brother may have his issues, he loves his son. My family also loves him and has never been anything but nurturing and loving towards him. We are not monsters that will harm him, but generous and affectionate kin desiring only to help him be the best he can be. We miss him. Workers and others in the system need to be reminded that we all have "free will" and that even those raised in the best of families can choose a wrong road and vice versa. Too, please withhold judgment and keep an open mind towards those of the same blood. While not perfect, these people can be the child's greatest asset... and the worker's.

Anything anyone does can be closely scrutinized and critiqued. Kinship care is no exception. Say what you will regarding the view that the nut doesn't fall far from the tree, it is still my belief that when possible, family members should always be considered as the first alternative to the biological home. Scripture tells us we are to care for widows and orphans. May God raise up more of us to do just that, whether the "orphans" are related or not. Heaven knows the whole world needs it.

Fostering Families TODAY: A valuable resource for families fostering and adopting children from the U.S. child welfare system, serving individuals and families touched by adoption, foster care, kinship, guardianship, as well as other complex blended families.

© Kim Combes

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