How We Became a Family

Working at Openness

We continue to have open relationships with both bmoms but at their pace. Tate's bdad has chosen not to be part of our family at this time. He was adopted and this brings up lots of issues with him. We correspond by mail with his amom and have gotten together with her once.

Adopted children often have questions, such as why they weren't kept. These questions don't only arise in open adoptions; the difference is that as soon as our boys ask, we (their wonderful loving bmoms and us) will sit down and answer those questions.

I already have the answers because I have had those conversations already, but I want them to hear it from theirbmoms. They will never feel unwanted. They are still wanted and loved by their bmoms but, for different reasons, their bmoms didn't feel they could give them the lives they wanted them to have. The boys will grow up knowing that. Do not make the mistake of thinking we co-parent. Far from it, butthere are certain things that are still their bmoms' responsibilities, like answering these questions when they come up.

I often wish the world were more educated about adoption I get tired of the stereotypical responses I get when people find out that our children are growing up knowing their birthmothers.

"What if they kidnap them?"
"What if they just show up at your house?"
"What if they will never leave you alone?"
"What if your kids decide they would rather live with them?"
"Your kids are going to know that you are not their real parents."

I know, of course, that these people are just uninformed, but I will tell you that one of the main reasons we started researching open adoptions is because I hate unknowns, and a birthmother I didn't get to meet face-to-face would have been too big of an unknown.

Family Attitudes

My older sister is my half sister and her birthmom left our dad when she was too young to remember, so she doesn't know her. All of my sister's life, she was sure that her birthmom was some kind of a fairy princess who would not havemade any rules and would have given her anything she wanted. During her teen years she threw it in my mom's face: "YOU ARE NOT MY REAL MOM" - even though our mom adopted her right after she and our dad got married and her birthmom did not show up to contest it.

This hurt Mom's feelings badly and she was and is still terrified that this woman will come in and be everything my sister wanted; that she will lose my sister to her - and mysister is now 39. This also impacted my mom's ability to accept our open adoptions. She was terrified that I would get hurt the way she did. She begged me not to pursue open adoption. She cried and tried to load me down with guilt. She even tried to forbid me to have an open adoption. She pulled all of the "Mom cards." I just kept working on her slowly, lovingly, proving I was OK, Bill is OK, and our kids are great!!!

Three years later, she can say the word Birthmother and doesn't cringe when I mention one of them or that we saw them. She can now look at a picture of one of them, but not if they are holding either of our sons. She doesn't getmad about the visits any more, but she is nowhere near ready to meet either of them.

[My sister found her birthfamily and learned that her birthmom had died of a drug overdose years before. She was also an alcoholic. She was not a fairy princess, but I don't think our mom is ready to hear that either. I don't tell you all of this to worry you or make you think my mom is crazy she is just very protective.]

I am so glad our boys will know that their Birthmoms are not fairy princesses, just regular people. We are really enjoying these relationships and our kids are thriving.

Open adoption is not always easy everyone need to be willing to be flexible and be committed to make it work. Honesty and open communication are vital to its success. At times it is wonderful and at times it takes some work, but it is well worth it. To me it is a lot like in-laws - you're related to them and you love the same person, so you stick it out when times are hard and you enjoy the good things together.

2000 (c) Cynthia

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