Helpful Tips for the Adoptive Grandparent
by
Beth O'Malley, M.Ed.© 2001, All rights reserved
Few things are more completely enjoyable than becoming a grandparent. Grandchildren are one of life's joys, whether they come by birth or via adoption. All grandchildren are loved equally and are equally lovable.
When a new family member is adopted, share your excitement. Share snapshots. Exclaim about the traits that make this child a prodigy! And know that adoption brings some unique challenges.
Following are a few suggestions for navigating once you find you are a member of an adoptive family.
- People are fascinated by adoption, and this fascination can lead well-meaning friends and neighbors to pose very personal questions. Remember that a child's adoption story is akin to a conception story. It is private, and one should consult with the adopted person before sharing the details.
- Think about language, and encourage others to do so. As an adult adoptee, I have heard this question all my life: "Have you ever met your real parents?" What this said to me as a child was, "Your adoptive parents are fake." I felt confused. As an adult, I answer, "I was raised by my real parents." It's a good idea to call the family of origin birth family (as in birth mother) as opposed to natural family (which implies the adoptive family is unnatural or artificial). Many people will have the best of intentions but use terms that confuse or hurt children.
- If your family adopted internationally, you have become a member of a transcultural and often transracial complex family. Translated into day-to-day events, this means you might celebrate Chinese New Year in addition to the traditional holidays. Unfortunately, this also means that your grandchild will be confronted by bigotry and will need your support and sensitivity.Your lifetime of experiences will be key in shaping your responses. Be wholly honest.
- Remember, throughout, that your grandchildren are connected to you and to the family. They may not look a lot like you or your child, but they will develop similar voice patterns, talents, tastes, and interests. Don't assume the adopted child will automatically know this-it took me 45 years to figure out that I got, first, my dry sense of humor from my adoptive father, and, second, my ability to 'stretch and save' from my grandmother, a North Carolina farmer. Every Carolina reunion I attend reminds me that genetics are not the only way to pass on family traits.
At a recent reunion, I was introduced to my mother's best childhood friend. They hadn't seen each other in over 60 years. The friend inspected me closely and stated, "You sure don't look like a Haney." I smiled back, shook my head, and said, "I sure don't." I knew what she really wanted to know. But at that moment, I was completely my mother's daughter.
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Grandparents can be a very special part of an adopted child's life. Knowing how to respond to others who may want to know all the details is very important. People mean well (most of the time) but they do ask questions that are none of their business. You wouldn't go up to someone and ask how thier child was conceived, now would you? Asking about the adoption process is much the same. It is a private and personal experience that you went through to adopt this child. Sometimes it is best to keep it somewhat private. I am not saying to keep it a secret - I am just saying that the hairdresser doesn't have to know all the details, the grocery clerk doesn't have to know, etc. Grandparents need to be the mouthpiece for the couple and child to help the people around them gain the correct terminology and attitude. Grandparents can be the catalyst for a change of adoption terminology that is more sympathethic to the adoptive couple and child. This will only help the entire family to draw closer and become more of a cohesive unit.
Posted by: culinary at 12/06/2005 06:41 AM
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