Hello Before Goodbye

[QUOTE=writer24]You shoulds not consider adoption if you do not know how to deal with it[/QUOTE]

I don't think anyone is equipped with knowing how to deal with adoption, so I don't think it's great advice for people not to consider adoption if they don't know how to deal with it. This is something that people can investigate for themselves and decide whether or not this is the kind of decision they want to make and whether or not they have the capacity to deal with their decision. I am not suggesting it's easy, just that nobody knows how they'll deal with adoption until they really live it.

I think this article is great. I did spend both nights in the hospital at our dd's bmom's request. We left for a few hours one day so she and bdad could have some private time and a special dinner put on by the hospital for them and maybe have some bonding time with their daughter. I had not planned on returning to the hospital until 9 or so, I received a call at 5:30 from bmom to please come back because bdad's visit was disastrous and she was all alone and wanted me there with her.

I do have photos of me in the hospital gown holding my daughter in the nursery. And I cherish them. I cherish the opportunity that this bmom gave me in being there from the start. She wanted to see us together as well.

I think it's very important for people to remember that there is no right or wrong in adoption. There are situations that in a "perfect world" should happen and would be beneficial to happen, but in reality, sometimes people's needs in that moment need to be met. If I had not been with bmom in the hospital, she would have been alone through this process, and I would hate to think of anyone in this situation going it alone. There is just right and wrong for the people in their situations. What's right for one may not be right for the other. IMO, the key is to be receptive to what is right for the pbparents in a match and honor their needs.

I'll be honest, being at the hospital in that situation was not a joyous occassion. It was one of the most heart-wrenching, frightening times of my life. For people to assume that the aparents are just strumming along expecting to leave a hospital as parents is just inaccurate. Had the match failed, yes, we would have been devastated. But, I don't think I'd regret the decision to support bmom. And I hope she doesn't regret her decision to ask for support from us. I just have to remember I'm not in a perfect world, just this world.

Posted by: BelovedsMama at 03/22/2006 01:04 PM

I am an adult reunioned adoptee. Put up for adoption at birth, fostered for 6 weeks, and adopted at age 7 weeks.

I would like to share my personal thoughts on the birth bond.

I hope that potential birth mothers and potential adoptive parents will place the biological,emotional, and psychological needs of the newborn above their own.

Adoption is a mixed bag....grief on one side/ celebration on the other/......but, in the middle is the delicate baby who NEEDS the bond to take place. Birth moms....I lovingly suggest that you dig deep and allow that bond time to occur....for the baby's sake. Adoptive moms....try to understand that this bonding experience will help greatly to heal the PRIMAL WOUND of the child you are planning to love and raise. Raising a bonded child will be a whole lot more peaceful and joyful that battling the lifetime it will take the child to grieve the bond that he/she never got to make. THINK OF THE BABY FIRST......The baby is the only non-adult in the triad....and the adults owe it to the child to do the right thing......in love.

If the bonding causes the Birthmom to change her mind...perhaps that is how it was meant to be. Perhaps the adoptive parents need to patiently wait on the child that is meant to be theirs.....Every child deserves the bonding experience. It is barbaric to take child from the womb and hand to strangers.....baby needs to know the world is safe....this occurs with mother's smell, voice, touch, and love.....even if it is only for a few days. This is nature....THIS IS GOD'S Plan!!!!!

Posted by: Farfalla at 01/01/2006 07:44 PM

I think we have to come away from thinking it would be ideal for adoptive parent(s) to manipulate the situation in any way. The more manipulation goes on, the more it's like trying to shape a "product," instead of giving a home to a child who needs one. If it's important to an AP to get a child who'd had a chance to bond with the first parent(s), then an open adoption is in order, where you can just choose birth parents who already plan to bond before saying goodbye. Ideas about what are desirable change with the times, as this article indicates, and we have to give people enough respect to deal with their losses in the best way for them. Just by virtue of being in the midst of a crisis pregnancy, the first mother is already too vulnerable to manipulations from people who think they know best.

Posted by: admiral at 10/29/2005 09:29 AM

When reading this article, a question strikes me, probably based on all the (of ten cheesy and probably pretty misrepresentative!) tv movies of the week I have seen that depict the process of adopting a child for adoptive parents that know and want to know the birth mother. What happens when it's the birth mother that does not want time alone with her child, and wants to spend as much time as possible with the birth parents? Should adoptive parents encourage the mother (or insist upon it) to spend quality bonding time alone with her child, before birth and afterwards? And what if the birth mother is resistant to this? So often adoptive parents fear that the first mother will change her mind about the process after she sees the baby, or if she is allowed to spend time alone with the child; she will see how beautiful he/she is, and decide that she can't bear to give him/her up. But I have heard of cases in which the first mother wants nothing to do with the child after birth (and sometimes even during pregnancy) -- adoption is her way of ensuring that her child is cared for and loved in a way she is currently incapable of caring and loving for him/her; whether she does not wish to bond with the child because she feels it will be easier to say good-bye if she doesn't see him/her, or simply because she does not want to infringe upon the bond that needs to occur with the adoptive parents -- I would assume that would depend upon the individual. But, all people deal with things differently, and I know there are cases where the first mother reacts against seeing and having attachment to her child.

I guess my question is, how would adoptive parents encourage a mother-child bond, if the first mother was somewhat or very reticent to connect? And, also, a somewhat different question but part of the same process: how does a birth father say good-bye, and is THIS bond as important?

Posted by: bandstand at 10/24/2005 11:16 AM

I think I was trying my very best (which maybe didn't come across perfectly!) to represent and acknowledge the diversity of experiences that first mothers (and first fathers!) experience. I am sure some are more "at peace" than others, and I guess I meant even the ones that are completely confident of their decision to give their child to an adoptive family don't ever stop thinking about the child they bore. It's a relationship, even if they never meet again, that they have for the rest of their lives. I think "peace" might be the wrong word, or at least might mean something different to everyone. You can have peace about something, but still continue to think about it and wonder for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you'd go back and do anything differently -- it just means that you continue to think about something impactful. I agree with your line of thinking though, and I think it's kind of a question of semantics and how we define very ambiguous terms like "peace," "love," "right," "wrong," etc. I absolutely think it's possible to have peace about the decision to give the gift of a child to an adoptive family, if peace means making a loving decision that you, as the first mother or father, truly believe is the best one for you and your child and being confident that it was the right decision in your very unique situation. As you said, it's possible to have "peace" (however a person defines that personally) about an important decision when a person is confident the decision was made with integrity.

Posted by: astrophysics at 10/15/2005 09:54 AM