Happy Adoption Books
by Marlou Russell, Ph.D. An adoptive mother came up to me at a conference at which I was speaking and mentioned that her daughter from China had ripped out some pages of a popular, upbeat adoption book for children. She wondered what it meant.
I smiled. I couldn't help but think that this adoptee was trying to relay a message to her mother. The fact that the mother was also a therapist was not lost on me. Even the best trained among us can be blind to the painful parts of life.
I am sure this mother wants the best for her child. I know she wants her daughter to feel safe and secure and a part of the family. I imagine this mother would also love to take away any suffering her daughter may have that comes from being adopted.
What I'm not so sure about is how beneficial it is to try to present only the positive aspects of adoption, especially to the adoptee.
Adoption is based on loss. There's no way around it. Every adoptee loses his/her birth family, even in open adoptions. Loss creates sadness and anger and sometimes depression. Loss leads to yearning and mourning for what is no longer ours. Adoptees can sometimes feel this on a daily basis.
When adoptive parents present adoption solely as a happy occasion it can make adoptees feel confused, upset and out of touch with reality. For adoptees, the celebration of adoption comes with a shadow.
The reality for an adoptee is that adoption is first a loss, then a gain. If the loss is not acknowledged, then the gain cannot be appreciated. Adoptees need help in processing this loss.
I told the adoptive mother to let her daughter do anything she wanted with the adoption book. She could offer her daughter tape to repair the pages so she could cobble a whole out of the parts. Perhaps her daughter wanted to put the torn pages in a drawer, keeping a reminder of the missing pieces in her life. I suggested she ask her daughter what she wanted to do.
I'm not sure what the daughter was trying to tell her mother but I do know it was quite a statement. Children don't always have the awareness or the words to tell their grown-ups about their feelings, but sometimes actions broadcast loudly. I'm glad her mother heard her.
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