Divorce After Adoption - To-Do List for First Week

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Divorce To-Do Lists for Adoptive Parents: First Week

Resolve to "put the children first" throughout the divorce process. Ask your ex to do the same. Divorce can end up as a sad memory in your child's mind, or the greatest trauma of childhood.
If your husband or wife has just walked out on you with little or no advance warning, you may be in "psychological shock" for a few days. During this time, you will have trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating and thinking. You are at much higher risk, statistically, of being in an automobile accident. Force yourself to concentrate. See your doctor for help sleeping. You may not show good judgment in decision-making and yet you need to make many decisions. Ask someone you trust, such as a parent, sibling or close friend for advice, or better yet, to move in with you for a few days. Run options by this person before making decisions. You will never be as vulnerable or in more need of help than you are right now.
Help the children through their shock and grief by being available to answer questions and by spending as much time as possible with them. Be honest and age-appropriate with your answers.
If you were unprepared for the split, arrange for at least one session with a professional counselor who can help the children, and help you to help your children.
Take life one hour at a time. For example, fix dinner when it's time to fix dinner and put everything else out of your mind.
If your spouse leaves suddenly and the children are with you, you may need to take steps to protect the financial resources. Consider removing funds from joint accounts to an account in your name only until child support negotiations begin. Call credit card companies to cancel joint accounts and ask for new cards to be issued in your name alone. Visit divorce web sites for more detailed lists of financial protections you will need at this time.
Look at how the division of labor in your marriage has left you wanting, and take steps to correct this. For example, if your ex was the one who changed flat tires, join an Auto Club right away so that you will have someone to call the next time you have a flat tire. If you don't have a cell phone, now is the time to get one. It will be your lifeline in many ways and will help your kids feel more secure.
If you think that changing the door locks is a good idea, do it or call a locksmith.
Ask your ex to use a divorce mediation service to save money and to keep the situation from becoming angry and volatile. Arrange to meet with the mediator as soon as possible. Negotiate responsibilities in the short term for child support, bill paying and health insurance. Insist that child support payments be removed from the paycheck automatically and forwarded to you by the employer, by court order. In other words, put this into the divorce decree. In this way, you are more likely to receive the payments steadily, even if your post-divorce relationship deteriorates in the future.
In an abandonment situation, if the situation does not remain amicable, do not let your ex into the house anymore. Remember, the person who could just walk out on a spouse and kids without notice is capable of other behaviors you may not be ready for. Don't be too trusting.

More of this feature
Page 1: Introduction & Online Support
Page 2: Adoption and Divorce: Facts & Fantasy
Page 3: More Myths About Divorce
Page 4: Preparing to Divorce
Page 5: To-Do List: First Week
Page 6: To-Do List: First Six Months
Page 7: To-Do List: First Two Years

_{Copyright © 2003 Rita Laws and Nancy Ashe. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written consent.}

~ Rita Laws, Ph.D.

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