Divorce After Adoption - To-Do List for First 6 Months

Divorce To-Do Lists for Adoptive Parents: First Six Months

• Age 3 to 6: "Married people are not supposed to date others but he (or she) decided to do this anyway. Grown-ups sometimes do things they shouldn't. However, daddy (or mommy) loves you. Nothing changes that."
  
  
• Age 7 to 12: "I wonder about that, too. But this was his (or her) choice. Adults have to live with the consequences of their choices. Just remember that this was in no way your fault. Divorce is caused by adults, not kids."
  
  
• Age 13 to 18: "Only dad (or mom) knows how he (or she) could do this. Don't be afraid to ask dad (or mom) yourself, and to share your feelings. But never forget that this is not about you. And don't worry about your marital future. If anything, this will teach you a lot about avoiding divorce, if you choose to marry someday."

7. Tell your children this is not their fault. Sometimes, the non-custodial spouse will reject some or all of the (adopted and biological) children completely, either gradually or suddenly. This may be due to mental illness or to the influence of the person he or she marries next, or as the result of unresolved issues going back to childhood. Whatever the reason, you must stress to your children that this is not their fault. With foster and adopted children who have experienced rejection before, this may be particularly painful and difficult. Take time to acknowledge the multiple losses and to talk about feelings. Stress your permanent ongoing commitment. In one case like this, an adopted 7 year old boy was very worried that his mom would run off, too, and never come back. She diffused his anxiety by telling him he was the most important person in her life. She also used humor by making a list of all of her favorite movie stars and posting it on the refrigerator. Then she put an X through each name one at a time as she promised aloud, "I wouldn't even run off with George Clooney... or Brad Pitt... or Denzel Washington... or..." After that, her son could laugh about his fear.

8. Look after your own interests. If mediation does not work, hire an attorney based on recommendations from others, not based solely on the ad in the telephone book. If necessary, re-write your will and change the beneficiary on your life insurance policy. Ask how divorce will affect your next federal tax return and prepare. Make a long-term financial plan. In a moment, your future vanished. You will need to create a whole new one. Talk to a financial planner or to a friend who knows about such things. Ask yourself where you need to be financially in 5 years, and ten, and twenty, and act accordingly.

9. Give yourself time to grieve. Divorce is not just the death of a marriage, it is the end of a family structure, and the married future you had once planned. Join a support group for the newly divorced - offline, online, or both. Type in "divorce support" at any search engine. Some of these web sites have highly detailed financial checklists you will want to review. Read a good book about divorce recovery. Make lists of things you want to accomplish. Take a little time to pamper yourself. The worst is over. Get a manicure. Rent a good movie once a week. Indulge in a hobby that makes you happy.

10. Avoid new responsibilities for at least one year after the divorce. Try to say no to new pets and volunteer roles. This is a time for re-organization and simplicity of lifestyle. Your plate is full. Look in the mirror and practice saying, "No."

More of this feature
Page 1: Introduction & Online Support
Page 2: Adoption and Divorce: Facts & Fantasy
Page 3: More Myths About Divorce
Page 4: Preparing to Divorce
Page 5: To-Do List: First Week
Page 6: To-Do List: First Six Months
Page 7: To-Do List: First Two Years

_{Copyright © 2003 Rita Laws and Nancy Ashe. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written consent.}

 ~ Rita Laws, Ph.D.

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