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Divorce After Adoption - To-Do List for First 6 Months

Divorce To-Do Lists for Adoptive Parents: First Six Months

1. Resolve to be fair and ethical no matter how hurt or angry you are, and inform your attorney that you intend to behave in this way. If you have been treated badly, refuse to “sink to that level.” Do the right thing, pray for wisdom, and keep prioritizing. Your kids will notice how you deal with stress and anger.

2. Negotiate long-term financial and parenting responsibilities. Listen closely to your mediator or attorney. This person is the voice of experience. Divorce should have no bearing on adoption assistance or subsidies, and vice-versa. If your ex seeks lower child support because of the existence of a subsidy, contact the North American Council on Adoptable Children for their free literature on this subject. Chances are, the divorce court does not know what a subsidy is, so it will be your responsibility to provide this information. If you are a stay-at-home parent, make sure that you negotiate your 50% of the pension that your ex-spouse will someday have. Some state laws recognize that in some unions where only one spouse was earning a pension, it was meant to someday support two people.

3. Go through the home carefully and gather up possessions or items you wish your ex to have and make arrangements to get these items delivered or picked up. Do not let your ex go through the home as this could lead to arguments and discord. If some items are heavy, such as an old car, ask your mediator or attorney to place a deadline into the divorce papers for removing this. If it is not gone by the deadline, you may have the right to have it hauled off to a landfill or to give it to someone else. Clearing out the belongings of the ex is a healthy emotional move and necessary for the next phase of healing. Don't remove any family photos from the wall for at least one year. This sends the message to the children that they still have two parents, married or not.

4. Your primary goal is to learn how to be a single parent, how to do it well, and yes, to enjoy it. Do not date. In some states, the law actually forbids dating and cohabitation in the first six months post-divorce. Give yourself time for learning a new way of life, and for healing. Give your kids some time to adjust. There will be plenty of time to date later, if you still want to.

5. Be extra patient with your children and keep lines of communication open. Each child will handle divorce differently, depending on developmental level and personality. Emphasize that this is okay. Be a good listener. Be available. The non-custodial parent should involve the children in the decorating of the bedrooms where they will stay on visits. Ask the child to help you choose colors and furniture. This is empowering for a child who feels powerless to stop divorce. Both parents may be tempted to work overtime because of financial concerns, but be careful. Your children will never need you more than they do right now. There will be plenty of time to work on your debt load later.

6. Don't trash the ex-spouse but don't make excuses for bad behavior either. Be age-appropriate with your children when they ask questions but be honest, too. For example, if your ex has left because of an affair, and your children ask you how this can happen, here are three possible answers for three different age levels:

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