Divorce After Adoption - Preparing to Divorce

Preparing to Divorce

Marriages and divorces can happen suddenly, but experts agree that a gradual approach is best for both events. If you think your marriage may be headed for the rocks, there are certain steps you should consider taking:

1. Be pro-active. Ask your local house of worship about retreats for married couples. Try marital counseling. If your spouse is hesitant, offer to find a therapist who will make house calls. If divorce is bound to happen, seek divorce counseling. The purpose of this is to show you how to strive for an amicable divorce and to prepare you to parent as a divorced couple.

2. Read. There are lots of good books about the signs of marital trouble and what to do. When children are involved, we are morally obligated to try everything reasonable to save a marriage. That said, remember "safety first." If you fear for your safety or that of the children, seek the advice of experts, obtain a restraining order, and move your family to a safe location.

3. Be on the look-out for contempt, the death-knell of a marriage. There is research that suggests when someone's feelings about their spouse have reached the contempt level, the marriage is probably beyond salvation. Contempt is a total lack of positive feelings, especially respect, trust and admiration. The person who holds you in contempt has little appreciation for you and will show flashes of these feelings in everyday life.

4. Communicate. This sounds so simple but when you are married to someone who won't listen or respond, it can be the most difficult act imaginable. If you cannot communicate any longer, seek out a professional. If your spouse won't participate in counseling, go alone and ask for advice.

5. Imagine yourself single and plan accordingly. Begin preparing the children. Explain that the problems in the marriage are not their fault in any way. Explain that you are trying to fix it but if divorce occurs, they are not to worry. Reassure them, especially adopted children, that you will always be there for them, no matter what. When divorce looms, it is natural for children to worry, "What will become of me?"

6. A trial separation should almost always precede a divorce. A trial separation will either motivate both parties to work it out, or convince at least one person that the marriage must end. A separation also helps with divorce planning. How else can two people prepare to live apart until they have had a taste of what it will be like? Take note of what you will need to know prior to a divorce. For example, do you know where the circuit-breaker box is? If your ex did all of the driving, do you have a good map in your car so you can get to an emergency room?

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