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Your due date was yesterday. My sister came for three days and left today. She felt you move and said she'd miss knowing you. She talked to you. I went back to the doctor Thursday. You're seven pounds. Your AP mom met me there again. I gave her an angel ornament for your first Christmas. My sister and I stayed at a bed and breakfast where they made us heart-shaped cookies with our names on them and brought us peach tea. It's a place for Christian couples and had a Jacuzzi. I crave oranges, limes, sherbet, toaster strudels, and apple butter. I ate a mango and it made me crave a bell pepper.
I had contractions for the first time ever last night! But there were only two, lasting five minutes total. My mom and sister called tonight. I dreamed about you. My doctor's back from out of town, thank God! I keep telling you it's time to come out now. I hope you don't think I hate you.
I'm 50 percent effaced but not dilated. Your AP mom met me at the doctor again and gave me flowers. I met with my caseworker. She says I have to start visualizing letting go of you. I can't and haven't. Another resident went to the hospital last night but nothing happened. Your head keeps moving to the bottom. Ready.
Mom surprised me by coming in to town for three days. Your head is still down below. No contractions since Thursday. I lay awake last night imagining what you will look like. I tried to do that "letting go" thing but couldn't. We got in three new girls. I'm giving some pictures to you who I hope will like them. It's weird to be with Mom and be pregnant. I'm swollen like another girl was. I'm scared about having a delivery like hers.
I can't sleep again. I gave my mom a dorm tour. I'm so anxious about labor. I lay awake wondering what you will look like, be like. I'm eight days late now. Mom doesn't understand a lot of the adoption stuff. I showed her the placement outfit, scrapbook, photo album, and profile of your APs.
You were born on Aug. 15th at 2:00 p.m. You were 7 lbs., 2 oz., and 19 1/2 inches long with a full head of hair. I pushed for three hours and had an emergency C-section. Today I signed the papers and had my first nursery visit. Mom was here when I went into labor. She met your APs, my best friend, her roommate, and the doctor. He was on call when I went into labor so I was glad about that. I cried today after signing papers. I've taken a lot of pictures and your APs gave me a copy of a tape they made at the hospital. It's weird to not have you inside me. I miss you.
At first I felt detached after you were born. Your first greeter was my best friend's roommate who rocked you. You're fascinated with Barbara's face and your own hands. Your AP dad's great, very tender. He and your AP mom are so happy, it's amazing.
I want to remember your smile, your dimple in your chin, all the pictures we took, your dreams, your good nature, your cooing, feeling like you motivate me to go on, how you love to nap and stretch.
As I watch you dream, you smile. I hope it's a good dream. I tell you that your parents love you so much already and that you're going to be very happy. I tell you that I forget the pain when I look at you. When I see how happy your APs are, I don't have second thoughts. I tell you that I made sure your homemade blanket would go home with you. I think you like it. I hope you do. I never would've thought I could have something so beautiful. I tell you that your birth father kind of looks like he's smiling when he sleeps. I tell you that as long as I know you're happy that I know I'm going to be okay. I tell you I can't wait to meet you one day and that I'm excited to see what you'll become.
One of the residents came home upset after having her baby. She had a hard time leaving her baby at the hospital. Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. I thought about you last night and all day. It's so surreal to think you're mine. I don't want to be alone. The pain's getting a little better physically. I talked to my sister and my mom.
The nights are so hard here. I had another nursery visit today and it went a lot better. I had four people there. A friend of mine cried most of the time. Another resident had her first nursery visit today. Today the transitional moms had you in a pink ruffled dress. They sent me email pix that looked great. You were taken to your first Richard Gere movie yesterday and ate through the whole thing. You didn't cry at all. They say you're the easiest baby they've ever had. Your appetite's getting better. I miss being pregnant.
Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. Another resident had her second one today. I've been fighting depression today. I put a picture of you next to my bed. Hopefully I can handle it. I got some more pictures developed. You look great. You're perfect. I thought about having another baby. But I'd feel too guilty about you. You'll always be "the one."
I cried last night with a house parent then almost cried three more times. I had another nursery visit today. My last one's tomorrow. You were irritable today and I couldn't make you happy. I felt helpless. Another girl decided to keep her baby after giving birth this morning. She has nothing but I can't judge her. I should have stressed to her the importance of not being alone with the baby. I made myself sore from crying and straining my incision. A birth mom who placed six years ago is supposed to call me and I'm going to the support group next week.
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I placed you today. It was the hardest thing I've ever done or will do, I think. Last night another resident and I cried together. Her placement was after mine on the same day. I'm spending the night at my best friend's to get away. I can't stop thinking about you. I wonder what you're doing right now.
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Comments
This diary is to real and so raw that it makes you realize how much a mother hurts when she places her child. Even if she knows deep down inside that it is the right decision, it still hurts. This diary should help adoptive parents to see the birth mom as a real person who is struggling with her decision even though she knows that it is the right thing to do. What a poignant way for others to learn more about the other side of the adoption story and about the pain and detachment that is felt on the side of the birth family. Great article for birth parents to read to gain insight!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 02:47 PM
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