Diary of a Birthmom, page 19

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In two days I'm going to get to see my little girl for the firsttime since Placement. The 17th is the finalization of the adoption andwe've all arranged to meet and spend the day together. I'm probably notgoing to sleep the night before, I'll be excited! It'll be like ChristmasEve as a kid, waiting for Santa or something! A friend of mine had meover for Easter dinner which I wasn't expecting, so that was nice. Ithought about my daughter all day and wondered what she thought of herfirst Easter today and about how she looked. I bet everyone made a fussover her at church.

I'm at my best friend's spending the night and in the morningafter court for the finalization of the adoption, the AP mom is supposedto call me for us to meet! We're going to take pix and videotape everything.I can't wait to see my little girl and to hold her in my arms. She alwaysdresses her so cute. I'll probably be up and down all night but I don'tcare. I've got the day off for this special occasion that I'll neverforget.

I got to see my little girl today! Now she's officially alltheirs, legally. She was so happy and talked and smiled the whole time,saying "dada" and looking up at all the lights and around at all thepeople. She's so curious! I'm prejudiced but I've never seen such a happybaby! We took pictures and they gave me some new ones they took. Shethinks her name's 'pretty girl' because they call her that all the time,to get her to smile for pictures. She used to not like getting her picturetaken.

I'm still doing well and am really happy about my daughter.My AP mom emailed me to see if I was okay and I told her I'm doing good.She said I was so calm and gracious to everyone. I met some of her familyand friends at breakfast yesterday when I saw my little girl. She saidthey all loved me. Her best friend told me it was an honor to meet meand that she felt like she already knew me, with tears in her eyes. Hersister told me she saw me when I came in the restaurant and that I wasthe exact image of my daughter. She said she would know me anywhere!

The AP mom got to see the "Barbara Walters Special" about adoption.She said she cried and cried during it and my little girl looked at heras if to say, "What's your deal?" She said she loved it and liked whatRosie O'Donnell had to say, too. She said she's going to tell both ofher kids (her son's adopted, too through Gladney) that they were alwaysnumber one in their birth moms' eyes and that I and the other birth mom(to her son) chose adoption because they were the most important thingin our lives and we wanted the best. She said she tells them how specialthey are, especially at night as she wants them to know from an earlyage how special and lucky they are.

I emailed the AP mom and told her thank you for the sweetestletter she put in a card to me. Her words meant a lot to me. She saidshe and her husband were humbled by my choosing them to raise my daughter.I liked the special and afterwards went to the store for a breather.

I had a delayed reaction the other day to seeing my little girl.I was doing great for several days then got depressed. But then I gota cheery email from the AP mom today telling me that my little girl gotin the jacuzzi today for the first time and absolutely loved it, becomingso excited she almost jumped out of their arms! That made my day! Shesaid her son loved the water at that age, too, but never like this. Shelaughed and laughed (my daughter did). Maybe she'll become an Olypmicswimmer or something. She splashed and squealed. She said next tiem she'lltape it for me. So she adores the water! The AP mom is leaving in themorning for the weekend for the first time to be away from her kids.She said she's looking forward to it but dreading leaving them. She saidit's hard for her to go to work even though they sleep the whole timeshe's gone. She's afraid they won't miss her as they both love theirdad. I thought about them all weekend and how they did with just theirdad. He dotes on them both and is so gentle with my daughter. He's justthe father she needs. I know he would protect her till his dying day.She doesn't deserve any less and I feel good about him.Today is my dad's 65th birthday but we're estranged. I'm glad my littlegirl will never have to go through that. My dad abused me so I can'tbe with him or have him in my life because he hasn't changed and takesno responsibility for what he did. I tried having him in my life beforebut it was destructive for me so I had to let him go. He still triessometimes to worm his way back in, but he's not willing to do thingsdifferently. He doesn't even know about my little girl but I'm protectiveof her, too.

I'm talking more about the adoption to others and am not ashamed.I will never be ashamed of her. I am ashamed of me, that I couldn't getit together to be a mom.

I got an idea to go to the nursing home next to my job on Mother'sDay and deliver care packages and visit those who never get visitors.I figure since that day is traditionally the hardest day of the yearfor birth moms and it will be my first one without my daughter, thatit will do me good to get out of myself. This just came to me.

I talked to the activitiy director at the nursing home and whenI told her what I wanted to do she got all excited like she won the Lottoor something. Anyway, it could always be worse. I could be an old ladyin a nursing home with no one to visit me. How sad would that be?

I didn't have as many entries for March in my journal becauseI work on my novel about Gladney on a daily basis in hopes of gettingit published one day. I want it to be perfect and to help so many. Afriend of mine is going through a tough time over her adoption. She placedher son who's now 14 when she was 18. Now she's 34 and because it wasa closed adoption, totally unlike mine, she has never gotten any pictures(not since he was 3 years old, anyway). She said she's drank over itfor 14 years. She's got a few months sober now, thankfully.

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