Diary of a Birthmom, page 15

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A year ago I bought a pregnancy test. My friend and I went to a piano bar to celebrate New Year's but neither of us drank. It was fun. My sponsor gave me my five-year medallion in AA last night. My little girl has graduated out of her crib and loves to look at herself in themirror. Quite different from me!

A year ago I found out I was pregnant. I talked to someone tonight who placed her son in a closed adoption seven years ago and she was very bitter. She wasn't very supportive of my situation but I told her I didn't regret my choice. I thought about my daughter all day but wasn't that sad. This really feels like a real new year for the first time. Normallyit doesn't.

A birth mom I was at Gladney with called and told me that one of the public relations people from there wants to meet with me to talk about being on "The View!" Supposedly Barbara Walters read my "Self Magazine" interview and wants to get an older birth mom's view! They're doing asseries on adoption. I meet with the P.R. person Wednesday. We were supposed to meet today but she had to reschedule. A friend of mine reviewed my journal and sees three potential books out of it. My best friend andI celebrated our AA birthdays together. I feel good about my daughter. It's less painful, more peaceful now. I don't regret my decision. She is happy and she thrives. She laughs and she's secure and comfortablein her home. She's well taken care of and she has no uncertainty. She has confidence in her parents. She'd have none of that if she were with me. I know this. The woman who placed in a closed adoption seven years ago tried to make me feel bad about my decision but I don't. She has two other kids she has custody of. I hung up the phone from her feelingbad last week but now I feel good, stronger about my decision, proud of my decision, thankful.

I'm exhausted. Tomorrow's the big lunch with Paige from Gladney (the P.R. person). I'll finally know. I want a new life. I'm not interested in a relationship at all which is a very good thing for me. Nothing thrills me any more. I'm bored with all the games. Even the guy I used to obsess about long distance doesn't do it for me. I'm seeing things so clearly now.

I feel fatigued all the time like when I was pregnant. I'vebeen thinking about my daughter all day. The Gladney people took me to lunch and told me about the interview. They may not be able to accompany me, though. I'd be scared to go alone.

Today I thought about my little girl a lot. I showed a friendof mine her pictures and gave her one. I don't know what I'd do if I had her right now. I passed baby items in the store and was grateful I didn't have her because she'd be without. To know she has more than she needs gives me comfort. Still nothing about the interview.

I dreamed I went to my AP mom's for dinner but didn't ask about my daughter. I told a friend of mine about the interview pending. He couldn't believe it. He used to be in radio.

I miss my little girl terribly. I got a picture today of her. A year ago I moved into Gladney. My daugher is five months old today. She's growing so fast. At work today a mom was bragging about how her little girl said her first words yesterday - Mama. I started back on my novel about Gladney. I'm only on Chapter 2. It's hard to write it but I want it to be so good and to help so many. Still nothing about the interview. My daughter looked so happy in the picture I got today.Unlike my baby pix. It was so important that she be happy and fed. I'm so glad I did what I did even though I miss her.

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