Diary of a Birthmom, page 14

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My little girl went to the G.I. specialist yesterday but I haven't heard anything. She's only eight pounds and won't eat much. I worry about her constantly.

I'm kind of down. I went to a birthday party. My little girl's okay - 9 pounds, 5 1/2 ounces, thank God! I felt happy for the first time in a long time earlier tonight but now it's gone.

My little girl's adoptive brother put Mr. Potato Head glasses on her! I feel so grateful today. I know she's happy.

I'm working on a book proposal for my journal, written in novel format and with a lot more detail. I got depressed after buying my little girl's Christmas present - a "Little House on the Prairie" book. I joined the gym at work. Yesterday I had five years sober.

Snowed in. I'm finally not obsessing about my daughter. Although she's on my mind, it's not the throbbing, all consuming obsession it has been. Now I just think about how happy, loved, and cared for she is. I haven't heard from my APs lately. I sent her new mom a poem for an adoptive mom and the book for my little girl.

Tonight was my sister's dance performance in Florida. I missed my daughter today. Her new dad liked my poem about him.

I leave for my sister's in Florida tomorrow for three days. I got my birth mom journal on my email and forwarded it to a bunch of friends for feedback. I've been wanting to drink for two days and I almost did. I don't know why. I thought I was doing okay with the adoption. But looking back over last night I realized I wanted to drink to blot out the sadness. My roommate got a promotion.

My daughter's first Christmas. I had a cry in the bathroom while Christmas dinner was being made. My family and I went to the movies. I thought about my little girl all day. Today was harder than Thanksgiving. I thought I'd be okay. I almost drank.

I talked to an old friend in Florida. The adoptive mom sent me a sweet email and said more videos and pix are to come. Noone in my family wants to see the Placement video or look at pictures. I saw alot of little girls today and imagined what my daughter would be like older. I feel as tired as I was when pregnant.

I had a fitful night. My mom and stepdad watched some of the Placement video. My sister's supposed to watch it today. I found out my uncle died the day my daughter was born.

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