Diary of a Birthmom, page 12

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I want to be free, to not be angry or sullen. I want to be a success. My daughter makes me want to be a better person. I want to be peaceful, to be a good mom, to have a house, to play more, to be financially secure, to give more, to not keep score, to not be sad, to be focused,to take care of myself.

I don't want any more chaos in my life. I don't want to have to run or to be broke or live a lie. I don't want to lose any more jobs or to be in danger. I don't want to lose my home or my daughter. Most of all I don't want to lose faith or give up hope. I don't want to lose touch with my AP mom. I don't want to be promiscuous any more or hurt myself and others any more.

I feel good but uncertain about my relationship. I feel like a bad mom. I feel sorry for my daughter's birth father but not enough to get back with him. That'd be crazy and really like a slap in my daughter's face after he abandoned us. I feel relieved I moved. I feel sorry for one of the residents who has placed two children for adoption. She's only 20. I feel rich spiritually, faithful, lucky, like celebrating.

I haven't been feeling much these days. But I'm not afraid and I don't feel like rocking the boat. I don't feel like living in reality or like being myself. But I don't want to run and I don't feel like things are so bad. I don't feel like God's with me but I don't feel hopeless, either.

I saw an old friend last night and she asked me if the adoption was hard. I told her yes. She's raised her ten-year-old daughter on her own for the most part but she's always had her family to help her out.

I lied to two people at work and told them I had custody of my daughter when they asked if I had kids. It was just easier. I'm still grieving. What drives me is my passion for writing and my little girl. What drives my best friend, who has raised her 17-year-old daughter all on her own, is her passion for life.

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