Diary of a Birthmom, page 11

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I got a roommate for the first time since I've been here. She's 31, married, and placed a child a year ago. Gladney wants to talk to me about using my journal on the website. She loved it! Another resident placed her baby today, a boy. She's so strong. She's helping her boyfriend raise his young son.

One of the former residents who placed in June is having a hard time with the adoption and is drinking a lot. I feel empty without my daughter. I talked to my mom. She said I wasn't real verbal as a baby like my little girl and that I didn't have a bunch of hair like her.

I wish I could hold my little girl for just a minute, even a day though I know as soon as she got fussy I'd panic and look for her AP mom to take her. I'm moving out in nine days, back out on my own. I'm so excited! Hopefully they'll let me volunteer. I'd love to giveback everything that has been given to me freely. I pray I won't put my body in danger again. There's so much I want to be and do.

I've got two job offers but am leaning toward a magazine job. I got sad last night about my daughter and couldn't sleep. Today I got my four-week letters and pictures and a journal of my little girl, plus the placement tape. I sent a picture and copies of the letters to mymom and sister.

I've gotten into another relationship. I went to my monthly birthmom support group and it helped. I wish it met more often, though. A friend of mine told me I had it made because I got to come to Gladney. I emailed my little girl a card and got one from my AP mom. I start anew job tomorrow. I didn't get the job at the magazine. Another resident had her baby during the Olympics, a boy. She was in the army before she came to Gladney.

I had counseling today. My AP mom suggested that she, my daughter, and I get together twice a year when she's a little older and go shopping and out to eat! I was blown away! She got my journal, pix, and letters. She said she cried. I've been moving stuff into my new place all day.

I was remembering some childhood and adult memories: running through sprinklers, the smell of freshly cut grass, watching old "David Letterman" shows in the 80s, how I started cracking my knuckles, good movies, going through codependency treatment, feeling like I couldn't please my mom, dying to please Dad, the '94 Winter Olympics, the waymy ex-husband used to look at me, the safety of my sister, blowing Dandelions with my best friend, Kristina.

I was thinking about my dad. I don't remember when I stopped loving him and when I started hating my mom. I don't hate her now. Havingthe baby brought us closer together, miraculously. Suddenly I understood the love a mom feels, which I'd always heard about. I don't remember a time when my sister and I weren't close. She practically raised mefrom the time I was 8 after the divorce. I don't remember ever having a healthy relationship. I envy one the resident who gets to help her boyfriend raise his son. The girl who had her son during the Olympicsis so strong. I wish I could be like her. People tell me I'm strong but I don't think so.

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