Chat Transcript: Adam Pertman
adamp
again, understanding that circumstances differ, i think kids are much more capable of unraveling who's who (as they do in divorced families) than we give them credit for. we carry our own insecurities and worries about them, then transfer them to the kids and assume they feel the same way.
another word about language, if i may. adoption's been secret for so long that we don't have a very good vocabulary for it yet. plus, people on all sides of the triad, as well as outside of it, have so many misconceptions and often feel so much pain that they read too much into some people's well-intentioned words. AMom With some of the things that I have read on the site from birthmothers, I don't know that it would really be healthy for a young child to hear that they had been "stolen" at birth (this is the situation that we are dealing with). I know that this does not seem to happen in the States much anymore, but, again, it is what the bparents are telling us and want to tell my daughter. She is way to young to hear a story such as this and not be confused.
adamp
the parents are the guardians and the filters. you decide what you think is appropriate for your daughter to know, and when. but remember that she's capable of assimilating more than you might think, and even harsh explanations can become opportunities to tell the truth -- in doses, if necessary. AMom I hear what you are saying, but I guess that we are just going to have to make that decision on our own.
adamp
of course. TexasLady as a birth-mom I don't feel that my b-son was stolen, adoption is good if done in the right way
adamp
that's the point. but some people, especially if they've never recovered from wounds inflicted on them, have understandable problems maintaining -- or gaining -- perspective. Nancy I think it can only get better, with more openness and no more secrets.
adamp
i truly believe it's getting better. and the more we all talk about it, live it, and show the benefits as well as explain them, the faster the process will happen. Toni the more people who realize that adoption is not the opposite of abortion too........ they have to realize that it isn't as easy as they think to just walk away from a child that you have given birth to........
TexasLady even though I was coerced and was not given options and did not willingly place him I feel that Adoption is good
adamp
you got that right. but it's mainly because of adoption's surreptitious past that we all think it's so much more difficult than other hard aspects of society. abuse isn't easy to explain, and neither is divorce. we've got to find a vocabulary and a way to do it if we're going to become a "normal" part of society. and we will. Chat Moderator Adam, any insight to offer into people/groups who oppose open records for adult adoptees?
adamp
a whole bookful of them. i'll cite just a few in shorthand.
first, the united states has rarely made laws that deliberately discriminate against a single group that hasn't shown any evidence of being prone to violence, abusing anyone's rights, or undermining anyone's wishes. we're not talking here about stalkers.
second: we believe, individually and as a society (not to mention scientifcally) that the desire to know one's roots is innate and fulfilling it is a process that makes people feel more secure and complete. but not for adoptees? what? they're not people? it trivializes them and renders them as lesser or "other" beings. Nancy In Alabama, we've just passed a law allowing adult adoptees to obtain their own original birth certificates, and birth parents to file medical info and contact preference forms.
adamp
third, the argument that it will lead to adoptees to violate the privacy of birth parents is bogus. first, they're not stalkers. second, anybody nowadays can find just about anybody else without a birth certificate, so what's the point. and, yes, alabama just passed a very good laws on the heels of oregon's initiative. Mari but we were NEVER promised confidentiality
TexasLady I know I was NEVER promised confidentiality either
adamp
finally, though there are other reasons too, as a society we allow any adult to contact any other adult without restriction unless there's a restraining order from a court. craig22 adam adopted children are always going to be different
adamp
adoptees are always going to be different? so what. so are transracial children, the children of divorce, the children of parents who have different religions about which they feel strongly, on and on. different is fine, but lesser is not. craig22 different is having two sets of parents and dealing with all the very complicated issues of that
Delincuente Wait a sec, Adam. No restrictions, that's ok. But when we speak about open records, we're talking about the state providing mechanisms for the communication.
adamp
and let's remember the distinction between "confidential" and secret. a confidential, thoughtful contact can be made in almost all cases without disrupting anyone's life. if the person doesn't want to stay in touch, just like any other human, he or she can say so and expect their wishes to be respected. but their wishes can change over time.
i don't think the states should have authority over who we talk to or contact unless we've committed a crime. TexasLady in Texas we are using Oregon as an example and writing our proposal to the Legislators like theirs
Mari what if Bush gets elected and seals records for the next 99 years or makes searching a felony??
adamp
i doubt bush could or would seal records for 99 years etc. for better and worse, adoption remains a state-by-state issue. he might cause other issues for adoption, but i doubt this one. TexasLady we are trying to keep Bush as Gov for that very reason
adamp
i would focus more on questions like: will he push adoption tax credits for people who can afford to adopt privately or abroad at the exclusion of helping kids in foster care who need the most assistance but get the least to make it easier to get permanent families. craig22 adam thats the issue
TexasLady Bush is in favor of contact here in Texas, he wants us to use the Central Registry for mutual consent
adamp
i don't think bush has said anything about sealed records as a prez candidate; he has opposed texas efforts at openness, which is probably why people assume he'd do the same if in the white house. adamp
quick alert: i'd like to go see my kids at the tail end of a halloween parade. so i'm going to sign off in a few minutes. happy to do this again sometime, though. i hope you all like my book (which doesn't mean you'll agree with everything, i know. but it's time to be talking about it all!! thank you all. < <
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