Chat Transcript: Adam Pertman
adamp
not to be coy, but i wrote my book mainly so that my own children (and all their counterparts) and the people who gave them life would not have to face all the ordeals we're talking about here. Nancy I remember reading about a proposed act that would prevent foreign born adoptees from ever being able to research their past - anyone know anything about this?
adamp
re nancy: there was something like that in an earlier version of hague but, mercifully, it got nowhere. Nancy Good!
Toni I wish more people realized that I am NOT disrespecting my PARENTS by searching for my bmom...........
TexasLady Adam in your opinion why are b-sons reluctant when it comes to contact with b-moms after b-moms have contacted them?
Trooper TexasLady i wouldnt be reluctant - been searching for years
adamp
i think the reason men don't search as often as women, and sometimes have different views of the process, is partly genes and partly socialization -- we're not supposed to be as "feeling" as women, and some of us come to believe it. TexasLady we haven't even met face to face yet and he has no picture yet because of reluctance
Delincuente Adam, I haven't read the book yet, but I've had some insights over it. As I understand, you believe the reasons for adoption have changed over the years. Could you elaborate?
adamp
the fundamental change in adoption is this very openness that we show in discussing it. institutionally, this plays out with more and healthier open relationships -- and that impacts on our culture in major ways. the reverse also happens, with birth parents not wanting contact. again, persistence often (though not always) pays off, done without pressing too hard. even the process itself, of taking control yourself, can sometimes help. Chat Moderator Adam, did your own thinking change as you wrote/researched?
adamp
absolutely. the more i learned, the clearer it became to me that openness (or at least receptivity to it, since individual circumstances can alter situations) is the best thing for everyone involved, even if it's not easy. GinaBena i have a question for adam when he's ready oops... you answered it... you came to believe that openness was what was best for you children
adamp
you bet it is. people who have secrets about them think there's something wrong with them. rosie47 that is a good point adam...had not though of it that way..
nica10 but oh so true! :( We experienced similar things with David's immigration status ... had to live outside of the US for 2.5 years until we got everything cleared up!
TexasLady Adam, any plans to come to a Book Store near Dallas or Austin Texas?
adamp
i'm talking to some folks in texas ing your way in december or january. stay tuned.Mari I hope your book reaches some of the older adoptive moms/dads....many remain fearful of their adult children finding their birthparents...
adamp
honestly, my biggest hope is that my book not only reaches those older folks but also people not directly connected with adoption. because we live in a bigger world, and when it's more hospitable and understanding to us, all the progress will quicken. Chat Moderator I often wonder how many are really fearful - I sometimes think we adoptees "assume" they will be afraid (although I know some aparents from previous generations don't understand search)
Mari my era doesnt Sass...and thats the truth!
GinaBena Adam... i spoke with my daughter's mom after our dinner... she can't wait to get a copy of the book... she wanted me to let you know how much she enjoyed the meeting... it really confirmed with her that she is doing the right thing by keeping in contact with me for our daughter's sake
rosie47 Sass I remember having to overcome incredible fear before I began searching for my bdaughter.
craig secrets as adam said are bad
AMom I am just wondering, if your adoption did not start out as, or was ever suppose to be open, when and how do you tell you child.."Here sweetie, let me introduce you to your tummy mommy and daddy"?
adamp
insecurity is a huge issue in pre-adoptive and adoptive parents' lives. when we finally understand that our kids are our kids, even if they love somebody else too, it all gets easier. insecurity is a profound and difficult barrier. it undermines all sides of the triad. craig our kids are our kids adamp
Mari ofcourse they are craig...but you didnt find them under a cabbage patch
AMom In many ways, I think periodic e-mails and no personal contact could do more damage than good and I know that we will not be making a trip to where she was adopted from before she is an adult
adamp
let's understand what we all mean, as well as what we say. choosing precise words can be tough. craig words are the most difficult
Nancy Adam, I have begun reading your book, and I want to say, "Thank You!!!" for writing it! There is so much in it already that speaks to me. I have underlined many passages.
adamp
everybody's circumstances differ; generally, in most aspects of life, more information leads to better decisions, but we all have to be aware of the needs and desires of individuals, too. AMom I truly do not wish to confuse my young daughter
Toni I think here in the US we seem to have more problems that other countries do with language
adamp
let's slow down. first, thank you for the nice words about my book. next i want to address confusion for daughters and sons. Next Page: Language & Communication >
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