Precautions to Take in Infant Adoptions

Advice for a prospective adoptive parent from one with experience

Experienced adoptive parents are often the best source of positive input about adoption - and also the best source of cautions that may not sound as encouraging as hopeful adoptive parents would like to hear. But the truth about adoption in the 21st century is that it's a far cry from what went on even 10 years ago, and parents who have recently gone through the process are an invaluable resource for those just starting out.

Parent to Parent:

Forums can often be a place of debate and disagreement, but they are most often places of support, sharing, and advice. The following is a post from an adoptive parent to a woman who has been asked to adopt the child of a young girl living in her home.

Wow... It sounds like the perfect opportunity... you have a young woman in your home who wants you to adopt her child and it has almost fallen right into your lap. People wait years for a baby to adopt and here you are with this blessing practically handed to you.

In my experience, nothing is ever as easy or uncomplicated as it may seem in the beginning when it comes to adoption issues.

You have asked for legal advice, but I have a few pieces of unsolicited emotional advice that I just have to get out if you care to read. I am an adoptee and an adoptive mom.

My first piece of advice is to proceed cautiously with any adoption where the mother does not "know who the daddy is." She may not be sure of exactly who the father is, but I can imagine that she has an idea of who it *could* be. And he has a right to know about his child. Too many adoptions have been disrupted, children and families torn apart and traumatized years later because the mother didn't "know" who the father was and then he magically appeared and wants his child. I wouldn't take ANY kind of chance on any adoption where the father has not been found, notified, and then either denied paternity or given his consent to the adoption as well. Laws do vary from state to state on what the paternity requirements are, but for that child's sake, especially if you do end up adopting, find out who the father is or could be, or help her find out. Every child, adopted or not, deserves to know who their biological parents are.

It is a sticky situation where you have got a young mother living with you who has asked you to adopt her baby. If you are taking care of her and supporting her, she may have the best intentions of placing her child with you now, but she may feel totally differently once the baby actually arrives becomes "real" to her, and she looks into its eyes and sees a part of her looking back at her. She may feel "obligated" to you for taking care of her and guilty and afraid to back out of her promise to you, and may not want to hurt you by changing her mind, even if it kills her to relinquish. And no one deserves to pay back kindness of another by giving them their child. And I can't imagine any adoptive mother wanting to raise a child who was given to them out of a sense of gratitude or obligation or because they felt that after knowing the adoptive mom during their pregnancy, they themselves would not be as good a mother as she would. All very bad reasons for going through with an adoption.

This young woman needs to get some unbiased counseling to help her decide, and to understand why she feels she is not ready to be a parent and to help her discover what resources she has available to her if she decides to keep her baby. You have the moral responsibility, as the potential adoptive mother who has a young pregnant girl living in her home, to make absolutely sure she is offered every chance to parent, and guided to resources she may need to help her accomplish that. And then, if she still decides (after the baby is born) that raising a child at 18 is not what she feels she is able to do, then I am thrilled that you have this opportunity to adopt.

I can tell you from experience that the longing for a baby can be so strong that it is hard to step back and consider the mother's feelings and put her needs before your own desires. It is very hard to do something that may cause you to lose your chance to adopt by helping the mother to find a way to parent if she chooses. But she is living with you and she is young and she needs guidance. That puts you in the "mother" role to her, and that is a huge responsibility you may not even recognize exists.

She apparently trusts you enough to give her child to you, and I would hope she trusts also that you would understand, support and encourage her if she changes her mind. And she may. Everything can change after the baby comes. And you have to be prepared for that too.

She needs to know what all her options are and what resources she has available now.

And finally she needs to be sure that she is placing her baby because she feels it is the right thing for her and her baby, not because she is young and desperate and has no place to go after the baby comes.

I wish all of you the very best...

~ Dawn

Reprinted with permission

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