Birthmother's Day & Mother's Day
Mother's Day is unique in the adoption community. There are an estimated 6 million adoptees in the US alone - plus the millions elsewhere around the world - and we've each got two mothers: the one who parented, and the one who gave birth. (In our extended and blended families, Mother's Day can also include foster mothers, stepmothers, and other caregivers with whom we have a mother-child relationship.)
Mother's Day,
celebrated since the days of Ancient Greece, is observed on the second Sunday of May. And ever since 1990 when it was first celebrated in Seattle,
Birth Mother's Day (or First Mother's Day) has been observed on the Saturday before Mother's Day.
Birthmother's Day Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh first conceived the idea as a result of her own adoption experience. She knew she was a mother, but didn't feel recognized as such, either by those around her or by her daughter's parents. Remembering the feelings she'd experienced at her daughter's birth - feelings of triumph and euphoria - she used them to help in her own healing.
May Birth Mother's Day bring acknowledgement and recognition to every birth mother who ever loved a child lost to adoption. May it honor and celebrate every mother who became childless after birthing a child, and was forgotten on Mother's Day.
|
| - Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh |
For birthmothers, the observance can be a time to affirm joys and acknowledge the sorrow, grief, and pain that are a part of many experiences. It can also be a time to
break the silence and release years of anguish, worry, shame, or guilt. The purpose of Marsh's Birth Mother's Day ceremony is insight, affirmation, growth, and wisdom.
Recognizing Birthmothers Whether you choose to recognize your own, others', or all birthmothers on Mother's Day and/or Birthmother's Day, there are many different ways to do so:
- While I use the word "birthmother" here on the site since it seems to be generally understood as referring to a woman who gave birth to a child placed for adoption, many women prefer other words or phrases. A simple way to honor these women is to use the word or term they choose for themselves.
- Many adoptees in open adoptions and adoptees who have re-connected with their birthmothers, celebrate in personal ways, together as birth and adoptive families, separately with the exchange of cards or gifts, or as part of both Birthmother's Day Ceremonies and traditional Mother's Day events.
- Many celebrate just the one day, Mother's Day, without making a distinction.
- Adoptees, their adoptive mothers, and birthmothers who have not re-connected can also share in ceremonies to honor and remember the birthmother experience and the gift of life.
Ceremonies Attend One. Birthmother's Day ceremonies may be organized by support groups, adoption agencies, and other local groups. Check local listings and our
our Community Calendar to see if one is planned in your area.
Create One. You also have the option of planning a ceremony of your own. Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh has written a comprehensive
Birth Mother's Day Planner available through
Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support to help organize an event, large or small.
Cards, Gifts, Activities If attending, or organizing, a ceremony is not your choice, there are other ways to honor birthmothers:
- Write a poem or letter. A personal expression of your feelings will always be appreciated. If you are not reconnected, save what you write for a future time.
- Send a card. Many adoption sites have cards especially for the occasion.
- Give a piece of birthmother jewelry. Using a birthstone or anniversary marker as a place to start, select something unique. Our adoption-related Specialty Shops offer adoption-related jewelry as do several of the more general online adoption shops.
- Send flowers. On our first Mother's Day after reunion, my birthmom actually sent me flowers... Forget-Me-Nots. If you plan on sending flowers rather than delivering them yourself, consider using something like the Children With AIDS Project (CWA) arrangement with FTD.com. You get a discount, and CWA gets a donation.
- Plan to get together.
Check all the
shopping resources for books and other items.
In My Families Birthmother's Day has long been a topic of discussion on
our forums, and opinions differ greatly as to whether Birthmother's Day
should be observed,
why, why not, why we
hate it, why we
like it, etc. Whatever you do, make sure it fits with
your family.
In my relationship with my birthfamily, I've been fortunate to find myself in the midst of communicators. We/They
talk to and
listen to each other. This has stood us in excellent stead on many fronts, one of which is this peculiar non-holiday called Birthmother's Day. I'd like to share two steps that have helped us to put this in perspective. We have taken a moment...
- to communicate with each other, to say with love some of the difficult truths: that "Mom" isn't comfortable to say or hear; that celebrating creates too much of a conflict; that 55 years of shame is too hard to acknowledge in front of others.
- to remember the monumental tragedies of
- children around the world who have lost their mothers to war, illness, disease, starvation;
- those who aged out of the foster system years ago and are on their own with no sense of family.
and other families with unique parenting structures, such as - step-families;
- male parent households;
- non-custodial mothers.
For me, my adoptive family, and birth family, thinking of other mothers and those without
any mother to share either day with does nothing to invalidate those emotions we may collectively or individually feel a need to "claim,", and it helps us expand our focus from the minutiae of our daily lives to the world beyond.
Honoring "Real" Mothers While the uninformed of the world may not have gotten the message, adoptive mothers are just as "real" as birthmothers and vice versa. To quote from Rita Laws'
Definitions of Four Adoption Terms,
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.
If we're lucky enough to have both mothers in our lives, we get to celebrate
Mother's Day X 2... for real!© Nancy S Ashe
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Comments
i love this idea of birth mothers day :)
Posted by: Jennabear at 11/29/2009 10:58 PM
What a meaningful way to celebrate your birthmother! I did not even realize that there was a special day set aside for them. This heartfelt day should be celebrated just as much as Mother's Day. A mother gave her child the best gift that she could ever bestow on him or her-the gift of a secure and loving family. That does not make her any less of a mother, and in many ways may make her more of one. To realize that she was not able to give her child everything that she felt her child deserved and then to give her child up for adoption is something that should be celebrated and appreciated. This day can also be used as a vehicle of support between birthmothers. Only another birthmother knows what a birthmother has went through. The feelings of guilt, sadness, hopefulness, and unsuredness are ones that are meant to be shared. I hope that the day is seen as it was meant to be - as a day of thankfulness from adoptive children and their adoptive parents for the greatest gift that anyone could ever give them-the gift of a steady and fulfilling life. Birthmother's Day should be a time of celebration for the birthmother and the adoptive family. Including the whole world into this day, is especially poignant. Thanks for this article. It really has opened my mind to new thoughts and ideas.
Congressional
Posted by: congressional at 11/09/2005 08:34 AM
It strikes me while reading this article that while, for those first mothers and adopted children that have made peace with the circumstances of their own adoption experiences by reconnecting with their first mothers and exploring a relationship First Mothers' Day is a time of togetherness, acknowledgement, love and celebration, for others it might be a very different time and experience. First Mother's Day might be a time of much grieving and sadness, as the article mentions, either for women and children that feel they might have "lost" years of experience with their mother or child or those that have not been able to reconnect or even find out who their birth parents were because of a closed adoption, or worse, because by the time they were able to think about reconnecting, their first parents had passed on. I wonder if anyone here has had the experience of not knowing their biological mother or having the opportunity to know her, and how you've come to terms with this. How do you commemorate First Mother's Day to help you make sense of your emotions and find a slice of peace and understanding? Similarly, are there any of you out there that never knew the identity of your birth mother and don't feel that it is critical for understanding your life as an adoptee?
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/18/2005 09:58 AM
This is the best, most thoughtful and nuanced article on "first" mothering and adoption I have read.
This is a subject I've had reason to think on a lot, and didn't think anything could give my jaded eyes a new perspective--but you have.
I didn't know anything about the observance of "Birth/First Mother's Day" and I can't explain how much it helps me. It encapsulates so much--and a day that can contain joy, grief, liberation AND concern for the world is amazing.
The inclusion of remembrance and contemplation of tragic situations around the world seemed especially profound, different, comforting for me--to take one beyond oneself on the same day one is given special, sacred permission to CARE for oneself.
Very neat.
Thank you, and I mean it.
Anna.
Posted by: anchovy at 10/17/2005 02:59 PM
This article really struck me in that identified the different roles of the two mothers in simple terms -- the first mother is the one who "gave birth," whereas the adoptive mother is the one who "parented." Both are such important roles, and as the article states, need to be recognized equally. I don't know if I definitely agree with the distinction that the article makes., and makes me wonder how I actually define the word "parent." Isn't part of parenting the giving birth, or is parenting the actual process of bringing up a child? In simple terms, the former definition is as true as the latter, as parent as a verb is often used to express the act of creating and giving birth to a child (for both mother and father). But, by the same token, we often talk, when we talk about delinquent mothers or fathers that don't care for their children (and this is in NO way referring to adoption or birth mothers or fathers, just to clarify!!), we often say they were "bad parents," as if the word parent is more of an active, continuing job than merely giving birth. Sadly, often society doesn't put ENOUGH importance on the first mother's job, or the act of giving birth in general and producing a child. While of course, a whole child is created by the combination of "parenting" and "giving birth," the two cannot exist without each other, by themselves. I've often heard something to the effect of the following: "Any idiot can make a baby, but it takes a parent to raise a child." Typically more specific terms like "mother," "mom," "father," or "dad" (aka, "Anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad") are used, but it's still the same confusing message. What's so minimal about making or having a baby? I know it's not all of the job, but it's still very important!
Maybe this belongs in the "a few words on words in adoption" discussion, but it's still frustrating the mixed messages birth mothers get, but great to hear they are being acknowledged, if only in a small way.
Posted by: backslash at 10/15/2005 10:41 PM
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