Birthmothers

I was really impressed with the "I Choose Life for my Baby" article. What was most interesting to me was the emphasis this mother placed on establishing a true friendship with her adult daughter, instead of trying to step immediately into a strictly "mothering" role. I would imagine, while there is certainly a profound connection between mother and daughter biologically that translates to a feeling of "knowing" even though they have not been together physically their whole lifes, it would be very jarring and difficult to know how to start a relationship with an adult child. The truth is, mother and daughter do not "know" each other; they have not bourne witness to the entirety of their experiences apart, and therefore often know little about what has led up to the point of reunion, so there is an overwhelming amount of information and history to cover. But it seems so healthy, and much less daunting, to really approach it as a friendship and a true process of getting to know each other as adult people, almost peers, rather than trying to make sense of all the separate history all at once. Also, while acknowledging the mother-child bond in adulthood, focusing on friendship helps honor the important role of the adoptive parents in the adoptee's life, and makes room for all the love that can develop and expand the family.

Posted by: bandstand at 11/08/2005 11:58 AM

Lee,

I second (or third!) the motion to go slow and let your own emotions calm before trying to figure out your husband. And here's an idea that is almost always effective for me: When you do talk about it, try to have a conversation in which your only goal is to gather information. Not to argue, not to convince, but just to make sure you understand (before seeking to be understood). For instance, in this sort of discussion, it might be possible to learn exactly what your husband thinks your first son would do that could be harmful? No matter what, you don't argue with any of his answers in this discussion. This is just information-gathering, and if you can keep that small commitment, it makes a difference.

In a separate discussion on another day, you can share your wishes and goals, and how they are similar to his. You can even voice your concern that secrets kept from your younger son will make your relationship with him toxic. Your husband may also be interested to know that secrets have a way of recurring for several generations. But any salesperson can tell you, listen first, then present your case.

Posted by: admiral at 11/07/2005 11:42 AM

My daughter Tara Michelle Walker was born in Pascagoula, MS Dec 14, 1971. She was stolen from me
and placed for adoption. If you are Tara Please contact me asap... Mom :)

Posted by: Meitu at 11/06/2005 05:24 PM

Thank you so much. Taking it slow is very good advice, and I will do that. I'm trying to deal with my emotions abaout the reunion and my husband's emotions too. I feel so conflicted right now.

Posted by: LeeJ1112 at 08/11/2005 06:08 PM

Lee, Congratulations on finding your son!

It's such a fine balance between including your son in your family and making sure your husband and others are feeling secure. One important factor though, is that your family is his family as well; your husband is the father of your adopted son's half brother.

It may very well be best to go very slow until your husband can see that this new person is not a supplanter. A letter or email from your son to your husband establishing that your son knows your husband is important, that your child together is important and that your family dynamic is important, but he just wants to hang out or talk sometimes would go a long way.

Posted by: Sarah at 08/09/2005 02:44 PM