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Before Considering Adoption After Infertility

TTC = trying to conceive, generally via assisted reproduction

More of this Feature • Introduction • Q&A With Lisa Schuman • The Other Side • Adoptive Parents' View

Elsewhere on the Web • American Infertility Association • RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Making the decision to consider adoption comes at different times for some of us, may not come at all for others, and involves more than just wanting a family.

In an interview, social worker Lusandra Vincent said she has found that persons seeking to adopt are most clear about the reasons they want to parent a child. However, during a series of chat sessions, present and prospective adoptive parents who have dealt with infertility issues talked about the need to confront and acknowledge their losses; otherwise, adoption may be a mistake, no matter how clear the reasons.

First things first

During treatment, any sense of personal privacy has been lost, and intimate relationships may have been pushed to their limits. The chat groups agreed that rebuilding intimacy and a shared desire to move forward in any direction were their first priorities at that point. And then they stressed the need for identifying and dealing with all the losses in their lives.

What losses?

Some of the most easily identifiable losses discussed included the following; however, all participants agreed that each situation is different and, even though probing is difficult and sometimes hurtful, every sense of loss needs to be addressed:

• loss of the birth children we should have had, our "dream children"
• loss of identity as mother/woman - father/man
• loss of friends who can't understand why we're giving up the "bio route"
• loss of family who are upset with the idea of a stranger coming into the family
• loss of money and financial stability

Are men's losses different than women's?

While the groups agreed that most of the list of losses is the same, they felt that men and women tend to view some of them differently. For example:

• loss of the biological children we should have had: women were more sensitive to the loss of children who would have been "a combination of themselves and their partners," and
• loss of identity: men were more likely to include the issue of "continuing the bloodline" as part of their identity as men/fathers.

The hard questions

One chatter said she and her husband had to ask themselves hard questions about adoption before they could take the first steps:

• Can I love a child that doesn't look like me, act like me, or in any way resemble anything in my world?
• Can I love a child as my own flesh and blood, just on their own merit?
• Will I be able to handle it if my child turns out to have a disabling condition after I legally adopt him/her?
• Can I live with the knowledge and be comfortable enough in my role as this child's parent if he/she needs to search for his/her own reasons that I can be helpful and supportive?

The unanimous feeling of the groups was that those who cannot answer each of these questions with an emphatic "yes" are not ready to consider adoption at this time.

Adoption isn't going to be easy

For those who do make the decision to consider adoption, a reminder: it's going to take more time, more money, and possibly involve even more loss if an adoption falls through.

The group agreed that both parties (in the case of couples) need to be ready to move on, and that the decision must be unanimous.

Chat Excerpts:

Ann: "Before we got to the point of searching, we had to decide to adopt. For a while, we would vacillate, and not be in agreement. He'd be 'yes' and I'd be 'wait.' Then, we'd swap."
Ben: "I had a hard time with the bio thing because I'm the last with the family name."
Ann: "If he (Ben) hadn't come around, we would have remained childless. I would never, EVER have brought a child into my home unless we both felt they were anything less than the perfect, miraculous gift that they are."

Note: This article was drawn from the transcripts of several chat sessions held in the Adoption chat room. Names used in the article have been changed.

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