Beating the Holiday Stress, Stepmom Style
Part 1: Dealing With Others by
Karon Goodman© 2001, All rights reserved
The holidays are fast approaching. I can hear the chaos and calamity right behind me now, can you? My instinct is to find a deep, deep hole to hide in until the festivities have passed, but if memory serves, someone always finds me and I have to come out anyway. Maybe I'll do better this year....
The holidays are traditionally a time of presents and parties, decorations and dinners, but in a stepfamily where the only constant is change, they can also be times of tempers and traumas, anger and annoyances. The stress can be paralyzing. You can adopt any strategy you want for the holidays, but the one that will bring you the most calm may be one of compromise and ingenuity.
Try to keep a cool head and a warm heart and remember that January will indeed come and put all of this another year away! Try these coping strategies to help you beat the stress in dealing with those around you:
- Accept the fact that you won't please everyone. Some parent or grandparent or in-law or child will be upset by your plans. With so many people in your life, there is probably no way around it. If you try to please everyone, you will only compound the stress that the holidays naturally bring. Give your plan your best shot and then follow through. It's one holiday, not your entire world.
- Make all the plans that you can as early as possible, just to make the subsequent plans as easy on yourself as you can. Just knowing what is supposed to happen when can alleviate some of the stress associated with the holidays. Don't put off this discussion with your stepchildren's other family. Start the dialog now, and you'll have a better chance of accommodating more wishes than if you wait too long.
- If one particular date or event is special to you, speak up now. No one can plan around something they don't know about, so be up front with any specific requests you have. When you ask for a certain date, offer something in return. Compromise, remember?
- Set the example of calm. If you start no other family tradition, start one of making the holidays a time of peace and joy, not bickering and greed. Kids pick up on what you feel. If you feel relaxed and unhurried and calm, so will they. If you are stressed and ill and selfish, they will be, too. If they see you compromise and adjust with grace and generosity, they will learn how to do the same. If they see you argue and complain if you don't get your way all the time, they will learn that, too. It's your choice.
- Be flexible. Your level of calm may be stressed severely as plans that you thought were fairly safe get canceled or changed. Be prepared for that by having some alternate plans if your original plan dissolves. Holding on too tightly to your plans will only put more pressure on an already difficult time. Make the best plan you can and then consider it tentative until it actually happens. There are so many factors that can change it. Allow yourself to handle those factors without letting it spoil your holiday.
- Discover your family's style - the family of your husband and all of your children - and do your best to honor it. You have to work around everyone, but make the holiday season uniquely yours by choosing to celebrate in the way that best fits your family. What has worked in the past, in your other family, may not work now. That's okay. Build something better. Build your own traditions in the time you have. Don't fight the confusion and complications that your family brings to the holidays. Instead, adapt to it and work around it. You won't be disappointed.
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