Annoying Things People Say

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When people don't think before they speak (and when they do!)

He's not a real boy. He's adopted.
From the movie Problem Child

Is there anyone who has adopted, fostered, placed a child for adoption, or been adopted who hasn't heard some of the most outrageous questions and comments from family, friends, and total strangers? It would appear not. Ranging from annoying to intrusive to downright rude, we're collecting your best... or worst.

The R Word

What is the one word that gets this community more riled up than any other? The word is REAL, and it's the subject of one of the longest threads on our general Adoption forum, and these comments from other discussions:

[The teacher] announced that I needed a normal person to volunteer to let me observe him trace his family tree since I was a bastard who didn't have a real family. SIRI (ADOPTEE)

I would constantly be asked "Do you know who your real mom is?" "Why did your real mom not want you?" "Are you going to try and find your real mom?
LYNDA232 (ADOPTEE)

Someone said to me "It must be so sad knowing you will never be a real mom.
ANGELIAMA (ADOPTING PARENT)

Daniel is so lucky to have you. I am sure his real mother wouldn't do all the things you are doing". I really wanted to slap her silly. OTELYNX (ADOPTIVE PARENT)

Hot Spots
Heard on the Forums

Adopting/Adoptive Parents
"This really gets on my nerves. Is it just me? While we were waiting for adoption, people coming up to us and saying that we were somehow almost saintly for being prepared to do it and what wonderful people we were."

Adoptee
"I think the one that stands out is the woman at the park who told me I didn't look adopted."

There are other words that get our adrenaline pumping as well:
saint - for wanting to adopt
grateful - for not being aborted
shame - for birthmothers
Community members share some of their least favorite comments and questions:

Adoptive Parents:
I am ...tired of hearing about maternal instincts being exclusive only to those women who have given birth to their children. SHANNA97

...that we should just accept our infertility as some sort of sign from God that we should not parent. HYACYNTH
Adoptees:
Well, if your mother had really loved you and cared about you she would have found a way to keep you!
TORIKAYRADAI
Birth Parents:
Are there any other b-moms out there who get so sick and tired of being told how wonderful they are, how unselfish they are, what a wonderful gift it was to give the a-parents their child? GINABMOM

Oh I know how you must have felt... I had to give my german shepherd away when I couldn't take care of him.
CHARITY13
Others:
After my parents' bitter divorce, my mother would handle our childhood ailments/mysterious conditions by telling us it was "Dad's fault" we couldn't fix the problems, since he was "adopted". GOT2BMOM
Classic Comebacks
How do you handle people who don't think before they speak? Do you educate them? Ignore them? Or do you have the best response ever? A classic one-liner? Read what others have to say and then hit me with your best shot and your submission could be included in the article.

There are other words that get our adrenaline pumping as well: Community members share some of their least favorite comments and questions: How do you handle people who don't think before they speak? Do you educate them? Ignore them? Or do you have response ever? A classic one-liner? and then and your submission could be included in the article.

Comments

Although that VERY personal kind of question is probably a great opportunity to educate people about adoption, sometimes it feels like a body slam. hehe.. of course, knowing me, I'd probably answer with something like, "oh, you mean that's a requirement?"

Posted by: NSAshe at 02/05/2006 07:11 AM

What do you say when your might be sharing with someone that you are in the beginning of the process of adoption, and people say, "Oh,that's wonderful!" And then they actually ask you, "So can you not have children?"
AHHH!!!! Obviously many people are unable to have biological children, but many are and still adopt. Not to mention that it's really nobody's business something as private as your own body!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this question?

Posted by: creatrndoc at 01/23/2006 10:36 PM

Many people do not have a filter on their mouth. If they did, many of these cliches would not come spewing out of their mouth. Also, they are uneducated about adoption and do not understand many of the different facets of adoption. This is why they try to minimize it or compare it to adopting a pet. Educating people is the best way to help them learn more about adoption and become more comfortable with it.

Posted by: conservation at 12/06/2005 06:25 PM

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