An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

One Part of the Adoption Triad

An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

So many of the girls on the forum blame their adoptive parents for adopting them. Some feel their motives were wrong (in some cases I am sure they were). Some have had good relationships with their parents; some are afraid to discuss their feelings about their birth parents with their adoptive parents; some want nothing to do with their adoptive parents; some love but still feel disconnected from their parents (I believe it is possible that is where my daughter is). So many different feelings and so many of the girls feel real anger towards their adoptive parents, even though they say they (parents) tried.

What more can we do but try? How can we do more than the best we can each minute of every day? How can people who adopted in the 60s, 70s, and 80s have known these things when the system was not even aware that these feelings existed?

Without families and couples who want to accept a child as their own and adopt them, what happens to these children? In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption - but what are the alternatives when, for whatever reason a birth parent is unable or unwilling to keep a child? Should the child just be thrown away? Is it not better to have a family who love you, who feel you are their own?

It is so sad.

I just wish I had known these things when my daughter was growing up. I might have had the knowledge and the tools to help her deal with her feelings.

Recently we received a note from her saying she had decided to break her silence. No explanation was forthcoming and she said none would be. We wrote a note back. We are playing it by ear. I do know I won't leave myself open for more bad treatment, so we shall see what happens.

Update: We just got home from holidays three weeks ago and on the way home, decided on the spur of the moment to take a side trip to go and see her. It went very well as far as we were concerned. We caught her by surprise but she seemed fine about it, gave us each a hug - so at least the ice is broken. We have heard nothing from her since, but didn't expect to. We are leaving it up to her. If we don't hear from her again, so be it. But the ice has been broken so we feel free to attend family get-togethers without the fear of a blow-up if she is there. We both felt that she was pleased to see us, but no longer will we push for a relationship that is not possible. It will have to be on her terms, but we love her and will accept what she is willing to give.

 
 ~ CANUCK

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