An Adoptive Parent's Perspective
One Part of the Adoption TriadShe heard back immediately and talked to her birth mother on the phone. Their first meeting went very well, and she brought her out to see us a month or two later. I made a collage of pictures - including pictures from the day we brought her home up until she graduated - which we gave to her birth mother. When they got out of the car our daughter said to me, "now I know where my mouth came from." They do look very much alike.
We have kept in touch with her birth mom although we are not close, and I understand she and our daughter are close but really have no idea of their relationship or the depth of it.
Even though I was 100% supportive of finding her, I was surprised and dismayed at the feelings I had when finally they met. I felt threatened and very envious. I put it down to the fact that our relationship was not that great, but I felt so alone and rejected. I am still not sure whether it was because our relationship was so bad or whether the feelings were normal in such a situation.
Total BreakWe live in the country and she is in another province. She would visit her brother one hour from us, and tell him not to let us know. We would sense he was covering up and it was very hurtful. He was caught in the middle, and lied for her on numerous occasions.
Things got worse and worse, and after a particularly unpleasant run-in, I wrote to her that I had reached the end of my rope. I still felt that we could "fix" things if she knew how terrible she made me feel. Instead, she informed me she would not tolerate any more smothering, that I never gave her one minute's privacy, and on and on. I have never felt so devastated in my life.
Looking back, I can see that over the years, the more she pushed me away, the more I tried to reach her. It was a
big mistake but I didn't know it then.
Things got progressively worse and finally, after another argument, we never heard from her again. Even though we wrote – sent cards, sent birthday and Christmas presents - over the next three years, we didn't receive even a card from her in all that time.
I think the thing that bothered me most was that she dropped her Dad too, and I know she loved him at one time.
As a result, we have spent the past three years wondering what we did to cause her to dislike us so much she could do this, as it is beyond our understanding how you can do something like that to your parents.
I was talking to a young friend who, when I said, "we have lost our daughter," said to me, "you likely never had her... go to this site." That is when I came here to the Adult Adoptee Forum.
Finding My Answers on the InternetThe first message I read was an adoptee writing how her amom dishonoured her by believing she was her parent, when in no way could she be ever be her parent. I saw red and posted my feelings on the subject. I got quite a few answers and started reading past the words. All of a sudden the light went on. Bingo! And a huge feeling of relief swept over me. It was not all my fault. I wasn't a failure.
I had some good discussions, asked some questions, defended my position on adoption, and really learned a great deal. Since then I have come to believe that what happened would have happened no matter what I did, that my daughter felt all these things - feelings of abandonment, isolation, anger, and frustration - and the harder I tried, the more threatened she felt.
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