Building Resilience in our Children

Building Resilience in Our Children

by Rita Taddonio, CSW
Director of SPARK (ChildDevelopment program) at Spence-Chapin

While all of us would like to prevent our children from life's heartaches, it is impossible to do. In fact, trying to shield them may not be the best thing. Research shows that individuals who learn to cope positively with adversity view themselves as more successful, are less fearful, and are happier than peers who have not dealt with set backs or difficulties.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children, especially in today's world, is resilience. Some people's natural dispositions make them more resilient than others. However, resilience is more than a character trait, it is a mind set; and we can nurture in our children the attitudes and skills that represent that mind set.

Resilience is the capacity to deal successfully with the challenges and obstacles that confront us while maintaining the impetus to pursue goals. It is the ability to deal effectively with stress and pressure, to cope with everyday challenges, to bounce back from disappointments, adversity and trauma. Resilience determines whether one can find happiness in life or whether one becomes a victim of experiences and environment.

Since children who are adopted have to deal with an additional complexity to life at an earlier age than most, such as facing issues of loss and identity, resilience becomes even more important.

The qualities that contribute to resiliency are:

INSIGHT - the ability to look for meaning and explanations beyond face value; to be able to ask tough questions of yourself and the world around you
INDEPENDENCE - the ability to find areas of life one is competent in, to have a sense that one can accomplish things on one's own, to believe that one can influence the course of ones life and not just be dictated by outer forces
RELATIONSHIPS - the ability to maintain intimate and fulfilling ties to people
CREATIVITY & HUMOR - to be able to laugh at the absurdities in life, to see the humor in your own foibles.

The following are some ways to help children develop the above characteristics:

Empathy: We teach empathy by modeling it--listen closely to what kids say, validate their statements, do/say things in a way that is guiding, but not judgmental. Empathy is the foundation for effective communication and interpersonal skills that are vital for positive relationships. Let them see you asking yourself how another person would feel in a certain position. Ask them to answer the same question.
Independence: Encourage contributions to the home, school or community. This gives them a sense of responsibility...that their actions make a difference and they are not merely subject to the whim of the world around them.
Teach them decision-making, problem solving and reinforce self-discipline.
Offer encouragement and positive feedback.
Teach them to deal with mistakes. The fear of making mistakes and feeling foolish is most detrimental to developing resilience. Let them know everyone makes mistakes and that the important thing is to learn from them. Share your our stories of fear of making mistakes, making them and getting past them.

Resilience is linked to attitude - a sense of optimism, self worth and personal control. Remember that children learn from our example, so while we need to show them that we believe in them and provide them with opportunities that reinforce the above attitudes, we also need to incorporate those skills and attitudes in our own lives as much as possible.

Resilient people are not untouched by adversity... but they are not encumbered by it. May this be our legacy to our children.

© 2003, Rita Taddonio, CSW

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