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A Trilogy

by Andrea Baldwin, Birthmother

"Katie" | "Wishes of a Birthmother" | "A Mother's Love"

KATIE

An incredible feeling when I first loved you
My Daughter
I remember those irreplaceable special moments
of feeling you move inside me
I remember when I first held you
and your little fingers and toes
When I heard you talk
and your cute little sneeze
All such fond memories
Only 2 and you mean the world to me
Just a thought of you can make me smile
A sweet little girl
So smart, so adorable
Taking everything in, always learning
Such a little lady now, growing so big
To watch your mind work
To see what you do
I'm in amazement
You are half of me

My heart dances to see you
Such joy you bring to my life
Your thin blonde hair, almost white
Your sweet grin accompanied by our dimple
Kissable chubby cheeks
Tender little hands to hold
Beautiful bright blue eyes
A window to your soul
Your perfect joyful little giggle
I could watch you forever
Oh how I want the world for you
To shelter you from pain and evil
For you to know only perfect and flawless love
Words cannot explain

I Love You Katherine Elizabeth


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WISHES OF A BIRTHMOTHER

Can words explain my feelings?
Its all in my past
All of this baggage, this complicated
Past I carry

I wish you could know the incredible love I have for you.

I wish you could comprehend the pain and the love, that your parents were given to you in.

I wish you knew the unique smell of a precious new baby, part of you, only to be lost.

I wish you could understand how it feels to go through life after giving birth, giving your all, and then to have no one to hold.

I wish you could read my mind as I go through each day hurting, smiling, missing, loving, thinking, wondering, yearning.

I wish you could be in my home to sit at my table, blow out candles, open presents, say your prayers, or get a band-aid.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel when no one understands me, or when someone takes my pain for granted, or when I am misinterpreted, misrepresented.

I wish you could know my thoughts when I see or hold a little girl and she's not you and she's not mine.

I wish you could know how it feels to never hear the words 'I love you mommy' from your mouth.

I wish I could explain to you my experience, my title, that forever will shape who I am.

I wish you could feel the hurt I live with when people verbally abuse or belittle what I have done, or as they express their attitudes of 'it will never happen to me'.

I wish you could realize that physical, emotional, and mental drain, lost sleep, tears shed, and joy felt of your existence.

I wish you could know the feeling of accomplishment that comes from making a family that otherwise would never existed.

I wish you could understand what it feels like to be asked if I have children, and either have to lie or give a complicated answer and have that stabbing in my heart.

Unless you have walked in my shoes, you could never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our choices mean.... I wish you could though. Not to hurt you, but all this only for you to know my love for you.

Love always and forever,
Your Birthmother
March 2001

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A MOTHER'S LOVE

For my mother and my daughter

No other human can possibly know,
The love that a Mother has for her child.
Her love is unexplainable
And can only be described as 'A Mother's Love'.
She would give anything
for the most precious thing in the world,
Even if it meant a great deal of immeasurable pain for her.
If it would be better for her child,
She would do it in a heartbeat.
Mothers have a love,
That is able to put love in front of her own pain.
My mother has this amazing love.
I pray that I can always do as she would.
I thank my mother for giving me enough love
To be able to do the same.


May 1999

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©1999, 2001, 2002 Andrea Baldwin

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