A Few Words on Words in Adoption
How we hear the words In adoption, as in life, it is not always what we say, but how we say it that matters. This is, in part, because words in and of themselves, are only tools. Tone, body language and, most importantly the context we use, often reflect our underlying meaning. It is also important to note that personal experience and understanding also affect how words are heard. Therefore, any discussion on adoption language has to take into account both how the words are used and how others interpret them.
Look in any dictionary and you will find at least two definitions for many words. Add to this the emotions, past experiences, and associations that one individual has with a particular word, and it is often hard to discern what a person's definition of the word is. Too often we assume that our definition of a word is the same as everyone else's.
I am married to a man from Germany. When we met, the only German word I knew was
Gesundheit (which, by the way, translates to "good health" not "God Bless You" as I originally thought). My husband-to-be, on the other hand, had the English vocabulary of a two-year-old. Consequently, we spent hours and hours finding the words to describe our lives and express our feelings. We would often take as long as 15 minutes to describe what a certain word meant to us. We became so proficient at communicating this way that, when he told me he loved me and I answered in kind, we spent a good hour or so discussing what the meaning of the "love" was to us. Which brings me to another point. Our definition of the word "love" 16 years ago, when we first uttered those words, is vastly different than the definition of "love" we share today. Years have deepened its meaning. So, too, as we learn and grow into our adoption experiences does the meaning of many of the words we use change.
HistoryJust as there has been an evolution in adoption practice, so too has the language of adoption evolved. Take, for instance, the word "illegitimate." It is a word rarely used in adoption today, but as the following excerpt from The Willows, a commercial maternity home in Kansas City, MO, illustrates it was used freely in 1926.
Here again you may have some scruples about illegitimacy because certain facts are unknown to you. To begin with, here in our home, we have only illegitimate children for adoption, the offspring of young women of good families who thru lack of proper supervision or misplaced confidence, have erred against society.
and
And remember since high grade married people are not giving up their children for adoption, your baby will be of illegitimate birth.
The Willows Magazine, 1926.© Brenda Romanchik
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Comments
[QUOTE=absolutely]You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.[/QUOTE]
I agree with you here. My children say "my first dad" to talk about their birth father. They just naturally began saying this on their own adn I didn't see any reason to correct them. It is the way they see it in their eyes and it makes perfect sense to me as well.
Posted by: chimera at 10/20/2005 11:03 AM
Wow! This article really made me think about what language I and other people that are around me use when talking about adoption. Taking a child into your home is taking everything that makes them who they are-including race, culture, country, etc. You are not only taking just the child but their whole being into your home. I think it is very important to celebrate and learn from their differences. We are all different, even if we are born into the same family, and children that are adopted should know this and be able to embrace it.
Posted by: jmrodg at 10/09/2005 08:26 PM
You're so right! There's definitely a stygma attached to being a "second," "third," "fourth" or any number other than "first" when it comes to anything, even human/family relationships. I think on top of that is the bad connotation of the word that is ever-implied by numbering things beyond "first," which is "replacement," particularly when it comes to adopted children and their adoptive parents. Who wants to be a "replacement" mother or father for a child? Of course, that's not at all how adoptive parents feel about their position, but that idea is often certainly in life's subtext for adopted children, adoptive parents, birth parents or all! It just further emphasizes the need to reform the way we talk and think about adoption and all its issues.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/09/2005 09:23 AM
You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.
Posted by: absolutely at 10/08/2005 05:06 PM
I think the section heading "It's About Family" really says it all! I think it's exciting and wonderful that we're starting to see more and more families that really reflect the cultural diversity in the United States, and I think that adoption is really helping narrow some very troubling rifts between cultures, races, families and communities. I think it's truly amazing to see those looking to adopt embracing the challenges associated with adopting older children, children that come from a race or culture that is different from their own, and truly being open to changing what might, perhaps "politically incorrectly" differ from what they initially envisioned to be their "ideal" family make-up. I think it's heartening to see that everyone adopting are starting to truly think about how to talk to their prospective or current children and those choosing to give their children to loving families because they cannot provide the best home for them for whatever reason in a way that will be respectful to everyone involved. I think an important part of creating a true "family," regardless of whether it is through adoption or giving birth, is open and honest communication, and to start out that way from the very beginning is critical. This communication begins often before the child is even born when prospective adoptive parents can set the stage for communicating about adoption terminology with the biological parents of the child. This type of true loving communication spreads, and can truly start to create understanding and love among all members of even the most differently-structured families.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/05/2005 06:04 PM
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