A Few Words on Words in Adoption, Page 3
It's about family Part of the problem is that many hold dear in their hearts a "Leave it to Beaver" image of what family is. The general public, while enamored of the nuclear family, need only look at their own families to see that the definition of family is changing. One child's familial connections may include parents, step-parents, grandparents, god-parents, foster parents, aunts and uncles, step-brothers and sisters, and in the case of adoption, birth family.
It is important in adoption to define exactly what an "adoptive family" is. For years, adoptive parents were told that they should "take the baby home and act as if he/she were born to you." The theory was, that by severing all ties with the birth family, adoptive parents would be able to create a family "all their own." Babies were seen as "clean slates" and genetic influences were considered minimal at best. The only importance birthparents held during those years were if the adopted child started acting out as a teen-ager. The adopted child then turned from "one of their own" into "a bad seed."
Legally, the language was, and continues to be, language that insulates the adopted person and his or her adoptive parents from the adopted person's birth family. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in the
sealed records laws that most states still hold near and dear to their hearts.
Pat Johnston, in her article "Speaking Positively: Using Respectful Adoption Language," states: "The reality is that adoption is a method of joining a family, just as in birth." While she goes on to say that "the impact of adoption must be acknowledged," nowhere does she discuss the connections in adoption. The fact is that a child comes into their adoptive family bringing a whole set of family members to whom they are connected by birth. This is true whether or not the child's birth family is known or unknown. The child will always carry these connections in their cells, in their shape of their jaw, the way they laugh, in their temperament and talents. It is, therefore, important to use language that honors all the connections in an adopted person's life.
Inclusive adoption language acknowledges that, unlike birth, building a family by adoption extends the family beyond the child him/herself. In both international and domestic transracial adoption for example, the whole family becomes a transracial family. Or, in the words of Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg, the authors of "Inside Transracial Adoption," "When a family adopts members of different races, each person receives the opportunity to understand and experience life from a new point of view never before imagined. The family as a whole has the chance to move forward to develop its own new form." I would say that this philosophy of transracial adoption is a good starting point for those in all types of adoption to embrace. Adoption should expand our view of family, not restrict it to what we were taught a family to be. In that way
everyone who is a part of the one adopted is embraced and
everything that it is a part of the one adopted, whether it be culture or country, talent or temperament, is honored and incorporated.
© Brenda Romanchik
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Comments
[QUOTE=absolutely]You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.[/QUOTE]
I agree with you here. My children say "my first dad" to talk about their birth father. They just naturally began saying this on their own adn I didn't see any reason to correct them. It is the way they see it in their eyes and it makes perfect sense to me as well.
Posted by: chimera at 10/20/2005 11:03 AM
Wow! This article really made me think about what language I and other people that are around me use when talking about adoption. Taking a child into your home is taking everything that makes them who they are-including race, culture, country, etc. You are not only taking just the child but their whole being into your home. I think it is very important to celebrate and learn from their differences. We are all different, even if we are born into the same family, and children that are adopted should know this and be able to embrace it.
Posted by: jmrodg at 10/09/2005 08:26 PM
You're so right! There's definitely a stygma attached to being a "second," "third," "fourth" or any number other than "first" when it comes to anything, even human/family relationships. I think on top of that is the bad connotation of the word that is ever-implied by numbering things beyond "first," which is "replacement," particularly when it comes to adopted children and their adoptive parents. Who wants to be a "replacement" mother or father for a child? Of course, that's not at all how adoptive parents feel about their position, but that idea is often certainly in life's subtext for adopted children, adoptive parents, birth parents or all! It just further emphasizes the need to reform the way we talk and think about adoption and all its issues.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/09/2005 09:23 AM
You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.
Posted by: absolutely at 10/08/2005 05:06 PM
I think the section heading "It's About Family" really says it all! I think it's exciting and wonderful that we're starting to see more and more families that really reflect the cultural diversity in the United States, and I think that adoption is really helping narrow some very troubling rifts between cultures, races, families and communities. I think it's truly amazing to see those looking to adopt embracing the challenges associated with adopting older children, children that come from a race or culture that is different from their own, and truly being open to changing what might, perhaps "politically incorrectly" differ from what they initially envisioned to be their "ideal" family make-up. I think it's heartening to see that everyone adopting are starting to truly think about how to talk to their prospective or current children and those choosing to give their children to loving families because they cannot provide the best home for them for whatever reason in a way that will be respectful to everyone involved. I think an important part of creating a true "family," regardless of whether it is through adoption or giving birth, is open and honest communication, and to start out that way from the very beginning is critical. This communication begins often before the child is even born when prospective adoptive parents can set the stage for communicating about adoption terminology with the biological parents of the child. This type of true loving communication spreads, and can truly start to create understanding and love among all members of even the most differently-structured families.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/05/2005 06:04 PM
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