A Few Words on Words in Adoption, Page 2
Where modern language came from Let's take a look at more recent developments. In 1979, Marrietta Spencer, a Minneapolis social worker, wrote an article entitled "The Terminology of Adoption" for the Child Welfare League of America. It laid the groundwork for her work on "Constructive Adoption Terminology" that would later evolve into Pat Johnston's work on Positive Adoption Language (PAL) and
Speaking Positively: Using Respectful Adoptive Language (RAL). All of these works were developed to help adopted people, birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoption professionals find the right words to convey the reality of their adoption experience.
Finding simple terms that apply to everyone's experience is obviously a challenge, and I would say an impossibility. In the first place, not everyone has the same experience with adoption and, as mentioned previously, words often hold different meanings based on an individual's experience with them. Another difficulty is that terms that elevate one person's experience often diminish someone else's. Speaking thoughtfully is not only about relating our own experience accurately, but taking others' experiences into account as well.
Another factor to take into consideration is that some words, even if used with the best intentions, have an effect on how people view themselves, others, and their actions. A primary example of this is the use of the word "birthmother" to describe a pregnant woman
considering adoption for her baby. Using the term "birthmother" in this way is inappropriate since, in adoption circles, a birthmother is someone who has relinquished her rights to parent her child.
Until she signs a consent to adoption she is still the child's legal parent/mother. Many birthmothers have stated that being given the title "birthmother" before their decision was final acted as a form of subtle coercion in that they began to see themselves as birthmothers prior to making a final decision, and not the mothers or parents of their children. Additionally, prospective adoptive parents who are "matched" with these expectant mothers, also often have a harder time accepting the mother's decision to parent her child when they already believe her to be a birthmother. In fact there are a number of pre-adoptive parents who refer to a pregnant mother as the birthmother of
their child, or simply "our birthmother."
Other words are simply loaded. Take, for instance, the use of the word "family." In adoption language it is a word that is often preceded by another word... adoptive family, birth family, and foster family immediately come to mind. For those who are in these families, these descriptions of their family can seem diminishing. They see themselves as family, pure and simple. For years, adoptive families have battled the ignorant assumptions of the general public that question the validity of their family. Consider the following scenarios: A casual acquaintance at a birthday party asks an adoptive father if he knows who his child's "real father" is. The sister of an adoptive mother of two little girls asks if her daughter can have the pearl pin she inherited from their mother since the adoptive mother "doesn't have anybody" to pass it down to. An elderly aunt says to a beaming couple holding their new baby, "Now that you've adopted you'll probably get pregnant with one of your own." All of these comments imply that becoming a family through adoption is "less than" becoming a family by giving birth.
© Brenda Romanchik
Home
Comments
[QUOTE=absolutely]You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.[/QUOTE]
I agree with you here. My children say "my first dad" to talk about their birth father. They just naturally began saying this on their own adn I didn't see any reason to correct them. It is the way they see it in their eyes and it makes perfect sense to me as well.
Posted by: chimera at 10/20/2005 11:03 AM
Wow! This article really made me think about what language I and other people that are around me use when talking about adoption. Taking a child into your home is taking everything that makes them who they are-including race, culture, country, etc. You are not only taking just the child but their whole being into your home. I think it is very important to celebrate and learn from their differences. We are all different, even if we are born into the same family, and children that are adopted should know this and be able to embrace it.
Posted by: jmrodg at 10/09/2005 08:26 PM
You're so right! There's definitely a stygma attached to being a "second," "third," "fourth" or any number other than "first" when it comes to anything, even human/family relationships. I think on top of that is the bad connotation of the word that is ever-implied by numbering things beyond "first," which is "replacement," particularly when it comes to adopted children and their adoptive parents. Who wants to be a "replacement" mother or father for a child? Of course, that's not at all how adoptive parents feel about their position, but that idea is often certainly in life's subtext for adopted children, adoptive parents, birth parents or all! It just further emphasizes the need to reform the way we talk and think about adoption and all its issues.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/09/2005 09:23 AM
You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.
Posted by: absolutely at 10/08/2005 05:06 PM
I think the section heading "It's About Family" really says it all! I think it's exciting and wonderful that we're starting to see more and more families that really reflect the cultural diversity in the United States, and I think that adoption is really helping narrow some very troubling rifts between cultures, races, families and communities. I think it's truly amazing to see those looking to adopt embracing the challenges associated with adopting older children, children that come from a race or culture that is different from their own, and truly being open to changing what might, perhaps "politically incorrectly" differ from what they initially envisioned to be their "ideal" family make-up. I think it's heartening to see that everyone adopting are starting to truly think about how to talk to their prospective or current children and those choosing to give their children to loving families because they cannot provide the best home for them for whatever reason in a way that will be respectful to everyone involved. I think an important part of creating a true "family," regardless of whether it is through adoption or giving birth, is open and honest communication, and to start out that way from the very beginning is critical. This communication begins often before the child is even born when prospective adoptive parents can set the stage for communicating about adoption terminology with the biological parents of the child. This type of true loving communication spreads, and can truly start to create understanding and love among all members of even the most differently-structured families.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/05/2005 06:04 PM
View all comments (9)
Add Your Comments!
We want to know what you think. Your comments are important to us and the other readers. You are what makes this site special.