Siblings & Differences

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Bio and Adopted Siblings

with Ronny Diamond, M.S.W.
Director, Spence-Chapin's Adoption Resource Center

Question: I have one bio and one adopted, and I wondered if there are any ways to make sure the adoptee does not feel unequal, other than the obvious.
Ronny: You can't and shouldn't focus on protecting your adopted child. Tell the truth and encourage him/her to talk avobut how he/she feels. That is how you can help most. Don't minimize the birth story to make your adopted child feel better. Celebrate both ways of becoming a family. Remember that adoption is just DIFFERENT not better or worse.

Question: I have 3 adopted children. Right now, I am pregnant. We don't know if I will carry to term or not. My question is, how do I prepare my other 3 children that we maybe having another child? Especially with my son who has a lot of attachment issues already.
Ronny: You need to tell them, as you're well into the pregnancy, that a baby is growing inside you. They all grew inside ladies wombs. Adoption is when you go to another family after birth. That sometimes happens because the lady whose womb you grew in wasn't ready to be a mommy to any baby at that time in her life. Attachment issues have to do with his past life. yYou have room to love many children, and that will be something he will experience over time. It is common for children to feel threatened at having another sibling, but if everyone has a place and is unique in his/her own way, these issues work out in time.

Question: We have been blessed with a beautiful little boy we adopted at birth. He has an older sibling who is now in the process ofbeing adopted by his biological grandfather because his bmom's parental rights were terminated by social services. His older sibling is still in contact with their bmom and will always be, I imagine. How do I explain to my son when he's older that his bmom chose not to know him and that he may not have this opportunity?
Ronny: His bmom wasn't able to take care of any baby. His older brother had a grandfather who could take care of him, but your son didn't and you wanted ablittle boy just like him because no baby grew in your womb, etc. etc. You have to tell him his story, and then help him sort out what happened and how he feels about it. His older sib was older when the adoption plan was made. Perhaps he'd already known his grandfather. Your son didn't because he was adopted at birth.

Question: But his older sibling still has that contact with their bmom and my son possibly never will ... given the circumstances ... that's what I'm most concerned about, the older one will always know his bmom and my son will never know anything other than the little bit of info I got at the hospital. And how do I explain that she did not want to know him?
Ronny: yYou explain that she knew it would hurt too much to know him and then have to let him go. Birth mothers care, they just aren't always able to parent. Life isn't fair. Help him understand that his situation isn't because of him but about the adults. It doesn't make him more or less lovable. Does that make sense to you?
Comment: Yeah, it makes perfect sense ... and that's what I've always thought I'd say ... I guess I was just looking for some reassurance.
Ronny: Great, your instincts are terrific!

• Page 1: Opening Remarks
• Page 2: Kept Siblings in Bio Family
• Page 3: Bio and Adopted Siblings
• Page 4: Open and Not-so-open Adoptions
• Page 5: One Sibling's Behaviors

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