Siblings & Differences

Kept Siblings in the Bio Family

with Ronny Diamond, M.S.W.
Director, Spence-Chapin's Adoption Resource Center

Question: My biggest concern about each of my girls has to do with half siblings who are being raised by their birth families. I have not figured out how to tell them about that.
Ronny: It is important to answer children honestly if they ask about siblings. These are other children the birth mother has. They aren't really siblings to young children.

Question: What if they never ask?
Ronny: Then by the time they are 12, tell them. You want them to know you are on their side and want them to have the information about themselves.

Question: What if they ask when they are older, and then get angry because I never told them?
Ronny: You can say they didn't ask, or tell them when you are discussing something relevant and don't wait for them to ask, whichever way would make you feel better.

Question: How do I tell them that and not make them feel like they were the unchosen ones?
Ronny: You have to tell them the truth about their lives and help them cope with their feelling. You can't protect them from feeling hurt, if they do. Adoptive parents' job is to help kids cope. It strengthens them. Protecting them from the truth only makes them feel vulnerable, like they can't handle it. But explain why the birth mother may be raising the other children and not your child.

Question: I don't know why. Really. I can speculate, but I'm not comfortable doing that (why my girls were adopted when their half siblings were not). So that is part of my discomfort. I don't want to tell them the reason and then be totally wrong.
Ronny: But you have to speculate with your children. You can't leave them with nothing if you don't have the information. Speculation isn't lying. It's saying it might be because of this, or because of that. What does your child think the reason could be? We all speculate about why things happen. Maybe she was too young and then grew up. Maybe she was alone and then married. Maybe she was uneducated and then got educated. You have to provide some parameters for your children in terms of how to figure this out.

Comment: No, they both have OLDER sibs who are being raised by their first families.
Ronny: So when those kids were born, the birth mother felt able. Then when your child was born, she already had a child, knew what children needed, wanted more for this child, etc. People are naive with their first children and have no idea what children need.

• Page 1: Opening Remarks
• Page 2: Kept Siblings in Bio Family
• Page 3: Bio and Adopted Siblings
• Page 4: Open and Not-so-open Adoptions
• Page 5: One Sibling's Behaviors

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