Having Biological & Adopted Children

with Susan Watson, CSW
of Spence-Chapin

INTRO | PAGE 1 | PAGE 2 | PAGE 3

Patty: I am an adoptee who grew up in an afamily with their own children.

Susan: What was that experience like for you?
Patty: Well, during my childhood and adolescence, it was very rough. I felt I had to compete for attention and approval with my asisters. My asisters and I actually got closer when we all moved out! Plus, I was only six months older than their oldest, and that made it tougher.
Susan: And how about now?
Patty: Now, we are a bit closer, but I know I will never have the bond with them that they have with each other.

Question: Did your mom make you feel "extra special" or totally equal? Any advice for us?
Patty: No, unfortunately, that never happened. I think I would have liked to have been treated as an equal but it wasn't easy. I think my aparents felt like they were walking on a tightrope at times.

Susan: How much of the rivalry was about adoption and how much was just the standard sibling stuff? Can you have a sense of it now that you are older?
Patty: Much of it was adoption, some of it sibling. I have to dig into my memory bank here. My asisters have now come to admit that I received the brunt of the criticism when I was growing up.

Question: Are you the same race as your sisters? Was that a factor? Did they get off to an easier start than you because of that?
Patty: Yes, I am caucasian like my asisters, blue eyes, like them, blond hair as a kid, now dark but they are still blond.

Susan: Adoption professionals often advise that adoptive parents bring in children who are younger, not older, than bio kids. That way, kids get to maintain their normal birth order. This may have been a complicating factor in your family.
Patty: I wish I would have been the youngest, goodness knows, with my baggage, I needed some attention without competing with my asisters. My aparents wanted a boy and not a girl. But the social workers wouldn't let them because there was no room in the house for a boy; he would have needed his own room.
Comment: That must have slammed you! Being a girl...
Patty: Yes, it hurt my attitude about being adopted, to be honest. I know it is not what people like to hear. I felt ashamed for being a girl. I had learning difficulties and that made it harder.

Question: So does that extend to the fact that they couldn't conceive and therefore had to "take what they got?"
Patty: They had 2 of their own kids before bringing me into the family. I get the feeling the social workers pressured them into taking me because I had numerous foster placements and really needed a permanent home.

Susan: It's also often said that kids need to have a bigger gap in ages so that they can have their own separate experience in school and among peers.
Patty: Yes, 6 months difference was tough for a long time. I will be the first to admit that my physical age and my emotional age were way out of sync in growing up for several years.

Question: Did your parents make you feel "secondary" or did you tend to isolate yourself? (If this is too personal, forgive me. I am trying to do right by the kids.)
Patty: It was a little bit of both, but I do know they did their best to love me, but because I had trust issues, I didn't make it easy for them either.

NOTE FROM our Editor: Patty has generously used her own experiences in an article offering advice to adopting and adoptive parents, "Helping Your Older Adopted Child Adjust."

---

Many thanks to everyone who attended. If you have more questions for Susan on this topic, she can be reached

Back > First Page

Adoption Profiles

David & Heidi We believe God has a plan and purpose for you, your baby, as well as for ourselves. We are teachers and adore children, but are unable to have... [more] other adoption profiles | add your profile A service of Adoption Profiles, LLC