Having Biological & Adopted Children

with Susan Watson, CSW
of Spence-Chapin

INTRO | PAGE 1 | PAGE 2 | PAGE 3

Question: We have an older bio and a younger adopted. We stopped doing Family Day because it wasn't fair to the bio child. We made both of them Birth Books. Now the older one is asking why we didn't have another bio child, and if we could try to do so (too late!). Any ideas on how to deal with questions? He's 9, she's 5. He's learning disabled but both are brilliant. There's already a LOT to try to be fair about.
Susan: I always struggle with the notion of keeping things fair. I think that parents get into trouble when they try to keep an equal balance. It's o.k. to celebrate family day for one child but go to soccer awards dinner for the other. Over time I think children realize that they are equally loved but receive different kinds of attention depending on their unique interests and situations.

Question: Are there any specific things we should know for the time when the adopted one finds out she has, as my bio son puts it "2 mothers?" It came out once in anger. When do little ones begin to get the idea? She's pretty open but has never asked that question.
Susan: I think it's a great idea to speak openly about birth moms from the time kids are too young to even understand. That way, they grow up with this concept and it seems normal to them. The reality is that our adopted kids do have two moms and growing up with that idea is probably easier than having it introduced later on. Kids often start referring to birth parents at age three or so.
Reply: oops! We have mentioned it but never insisted on the fact that she grew in another woman's belly. She is very aware she is from another country and is proud of it. We have some catching up to do!
Susan: In my family, I used to say things like, "I wonder if your birth mom liked brussel sprouts. You certainly don't get that from your dad or me."
Reply: Excellent example, I just bought some today for her - we hate them!

Question: Tell me, do bio children tend to feel they are "better?" Do they use it as a weapon against the adopted sibling? We emphasize that they are each like us in different ways. Our bio child is protective of his little sister -- is guilt a factor that comes up in sibling relationships?
Susan: I don't know if bio kids feel "better." I think in most families there are normal sibling rivalries and it is expressed in different ways. Sometimes bio kids feel inferior because they don't have exotic origins and sometimes adopted kids wish they grew in our tummies. I wouldn't worry about guilt too much. Kids are usually more self absorbed, I think. If your son is protective, I think that is just a very nice, natural feeling that he's expressing.

Question: When we visit her country in a few years, how do we make it a "family" trip rather than "it's all about her?" He has a French dad so when we go there for the summer, it's about his origins (esp. food!). For him it's clear he has 2 nationalities. How do we integrate 3 nationalities in her heritage? She doesn't have French traits.
Susan: I think when a family has adopted from another country, the whole family is redefined as, for example, french/italian/indian. Everybody shares in the international mix. We all celebrate the different cultural influences in our family. Your daughter may not have french traits yet, but give her time, after a few summers she will!

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