Having Biological & Adopted Children

with Susan Watson, CSW
of Spence-Chapin

INTRO | PAGE 1 | PAGE 2 | PAGE 3

Question: I am bringing my daughter home from India in 2 weeks. And I have a 5 year old son... how do I deal with jealousy from my son over my daughter?
Susan: I wonder if he has been exhibiting behavior that leads you to think he is jealous already or if you are anticipating this?
Reply: He is the only Grandchild on my husband's side of the family and they are already starting to make him feel forgotten. He's been asking questions about if they will love him anymore or not. They have already started buying gifts for my daugther and not for him... and I think he's a bit upset about it.
Susan: I think it's important to alert the relatives that your son is kind of vulnerable right now. He has been the "star" for a while and needs to feel special in his own right. Sometimes relatives welcome a new baby with a gift but also bring a gift to the older sibling to recognize him too. You can ask for their help in giving him attention at this time.
Reply: Thank you... I think I will try that.
Susan: I think it's also a good idea to acknowledge, to him, how hard it is to bring a new member of the family. That for mom and dad, and for him, it means making adjustments. As much as you are happy about the new addition, it's kind of hard sometimes too.

Question: I have 2 sons from my first marriage. They are 20 & 23. We are trying to adopt a newborn to 4 year old girl. What problems might we expect?
Susan: Since your kids are adults, I'd try to elicit their thoughts as you go through this process. Many kids, no matter what their age, have feelings about a parent starting a new family, but with older kids you have the advantage of talking this through at a more mature level.

Question: Is there's a "best case scenario"... adopt first or have bio child first?
Susan: Most adoption professionals suggest that if you want to do both, start with the bio kids. We know that people have the best chance of success with conception if they are younger. Adoption will be an option in the future but fertility can become an issue as one gets older. I've known families who have done it both ways and each family really has to make decisions based on their own life circumstances.

Question: What about downplaying the bio connection with one child for fear of making the adopted child feel somehow less of a family member?
Susan: I think it's really important to honor each child's unique history. That means parents have to believe that each kid is different but has a story all his or her own. Each story can be told and celebrated equally in the family despite the differences. Aparents should feel just as positively about telling the birth story as the adoption story. Both were exciting and interesting and fun and dramatic in their own right.

Next page > Keeping things "fair"

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