Talking to Your Child About Adoption

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with Ronny Diamond, M.S.W.
Director, Spence-Chapin's Adoption Resource Center

Question: I got pregnant 11 weeks before we adopted. My sons know that I am my younger son's tummy mommy and that my older son has a different tummy mommy. How do I answer when my adopted son asks why he has a different tummy mommy?
Ronny: Everyone has a tummy mommy. Some kids live with their tummy mommys and others get adopted. They're just different ways of joining a family. Focus on its being different, not better or worse.
Reply: My sons have always had each other since they are so close in age. I don't think at this point they have ever expressed their feelings about having different tummy mommys.
Ronny: It's great your kids are close. They are brothers and adoption isn't really significant to their relationship.
Reply: No it isn't. They are only 11 months apart. They don't know life w/o each other.
Ronny: And they'll be a wonderful support for each other. Research says that for adopted kids to have a sibling is great because it's someone else who will know him his whole life

Question: I'm afraid that if I talk too much about my son's birth mother that he may want to go back to her.
Ronny: If you talk too much, your son will tune out. Information is empowering and it's the lack of information that leads to fantasy and makes kids want to find their birth parents. By 'tune out' I mean he'll take in what he can, so you can't really talk too much.
Reply: I guess I'm afraid he will want to be with her and not me.
Ronny: Children don't want to live with strangers, even if the stranger gave birth to them.

Many thanks to Ronny Diamond and all our chatters who asked such thoughtful questions.

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