Talking to Your Child About Adoption

with Ronny Diamond, M.S.W.
Director, Spence-Chapin's Adoption Resource Center

Question: My child refuses to talk about adoption. Every time I bring it up, she says "not now." She is 5 1/2. What should I do?
Ronny: If not now, will she say when? Maybe you should make an appointment to sit and have ice cream and discuss adoption. Why do you think she doesn't want to talk? What do you think she thinks about adoption?
Reply: If I try to read an adoption story to her she closes the book, if I try to build on something we saw on TV or the movies, she leaves the room. I think she just doesn't want to tbe different from me.
Ronny: That can be so. Do you communicate any particular emotion to her when you bring up adoption? Also, sometimes play groups or at least other adoptive families can help to normalize the experience for children, so she can see shes not the only one.
Reply: I think I want her to be so okay with it that maybe I am making too big a deal of it.
Ronny: That may be the case. She'll get there. It may feel like too much pressure for her. Kids really do fine with adoption so don't worry so much.
Reply: I like the idea of an appointment. That gives her a measure of control - she is a control freak. I know she wants to look like Barbie and she is a beautiful little Asian girl.
Ronny: Ah, she's Asian. That's important because of course she wants to look like you. There are some wonderful books with Asian girls. Does she know other Asian kids with white parents?
Reply: Yes, I keep in touch with some families from FCC that live near me.
Ronny: Support groups are very helpful. You can talk to your kids about others and it doesn't feel so personal to them.

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