Talking to Your Child About Adoption

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with Ronny Diamond, M.S.W.
Director, Spence-Chapin's Adoption Resource Center

Question: What is the best way to deal with the ""No, you're not my Mother!"" situation that usually arises when there is a family dispute?
Ronny: I think "you're not my real mother" is almost a rite of passage. The response is "I may not have given birth to you but I sure am your parent and it's time for bed. If you want to discuss adoption we can do that tomorrow after school." "You're not my parent" is just a manipulation and you're all too smart to fall for that.

Question: I get hung up on the school issue since kids with erroneous information can say hurtful things - what about talking to teachers about adoption? They can alter perceptions as well...
Ronny: At Spence-Chapin we have an adoption awareness for educators program. We go into the schools and talk about adoption as one form of family building, and help educators learn how to talk about it with kids. We suggest that assignments be ones that all kids can do - instead of a family tree they can make a tree trunk and have kids include all people in their family, or all people they love who love them instead of two trunks, and kids don't have a father, or don't know their family history.

Question: Do you have materials for parents as well?
Ronny: There aren't materials for parents but we can talk with parents about making school presentations. First, make sure your child is ok with your speaking about adoption in their school. Kids can be embarrassed by their parents, easily.

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