Talking to Your Child About Adoption

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with Ronny Diamond, M.S.W.
Director, Spence-Chapin's Adoption Resource Center

Question: How old should your children be to start talking about adoption?
Ronny: You should start when your child is an infant. That way you get practice. but keep talking so your child will associate the word 'adoption' with love. Gradually you will explain what adoption means and what it's about.

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Question: What about talking to your child's friends and their parents?
Ronny: Parents model what to say so their children will learn from them. You can give information to someone really interested in adoption, but if someone is being rude or asking an inappropriate question, you can 'blow them off' politely, so you child can learn to do that also.

Question: How do you prepare your child for questions and comments she will hear in school, i.e, "your mother didn't love you, that's why she gave you away," or "you must be stupid, that's why your mother gave you up," or, "your mother (adoptive mother) saved you from a life of poverty, you should be grateful."
Ronny: You can't protect your children, you can empower them. Help them to know what really happened to them so they can explain it to others if they choose.

Question: How do we explain the concept of adoption to a very young child?
Ronny: You can explain that adoption is growing inside a woman who wasn't ready to be a parent to any baby at that time in her life. You wanted a child very much, couldn't grow one in your uterus. so you adopted her/him, and you are a family forever. The lady whose uterus you grew in wanted you to have your own mommy (and daddy or whatever) and wanted you to be adopted... couldn't give any baby what they needed and wanted you to have what you needed. So adoption is about having a family forever, but it doesn't mean there isn't the birth family. They are part of adoptive families lives forever also, even if you don't know who they are. Your children are still curious and need to know about their backgrounds.

Question: Ronny, what about school? Talking to teachers or daycare providers?
Ronny: It's up to a parent what and if to tell the school. If your child is having a problem in school, I recommend letting the school know you are an adoptive family. If there aren't any problems it's up to you. Some parents are proactive and like to find out how schools will handle the family tree and other assignments like that, so they tell.

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