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Adopting? Ask the Hard Questions

Who to Ask - What to Ask

There's a joke about adoptions in the 40s, 50s, and 60s - it goes something like this: All birth parents were attractive, talented college students, on their way to greatness, who weren't ready to be parents.

While this was undoubtedly true in some instances, it became a joke because, in countless instances when it wasn't true, it was this or a similar story that was given to adopting parents. Prevailing opinion held that adopting parents might more readily adopt a child they thought would be intelligent, attractive, and endowed with inherited talents, goodness, and light.

It was an arrogant attitude that deprived adopting parents of making informed decisions and of the opportunity to educate themselves about possible challenges and how to best help their children at crucial developmental stages.

Since then, general attitudes have changed, laws have gone into effect requiring full disclosure (see Wrongful Adoption), and we've recognized the importance of knowing as much as possible about our children's health, emotional, and developmental histories in order to help them have the most productive futures.

So, what do you ask and who do you ask?

Sometimes, it seems that adoption is all about questions. The homestudy can seem like a never-ending barrage, and if you're adopting internationally, preparing your dossier continues the onslaught. And then there are the questions you have to ask - when selecting an agency or attorney - and about the child who will be joining your family.

• International Adoptions: These can be the most difficult since so many children in orphanages were abandoned, with no family information. However, you can learn about your child's current situation. Many countries provide videos of a child in action and written reports that can be evaluated by specialists in the field of international adoption medicine. In addition, during your visit to the orphanage, you can ask questions of your child's caregivers.
  
  
• Domestic Public Adoptions: Adoptions through the U.S. and Canadian foster care system are mandated by law to include full disclosure to adopting parents; however, this isn't always done properly. Don't be afraid to push for answers!
  
  If you are accepting a foster placement in a fost/adopt program or a concurrent planning placement, these questions have been put together by the Foster Parent Community.
  
  For special needs adoptions, an expanded list of questions has been prepared by MNASAP. (The list is a .pdf format document.)
  
  
• Domestic Private Adoptions: Adoption Online has put together some good basic conversational questions to ask a potential birthparent as your relationship develops, and if you don't have direct contact at the beginning, ask your agency or attorney to make sure these topics are covered. (If you're adopting an older child through a private agency, the questions above for public adoptions are a good starting point.)

Whatever type adoption you are considering, remember: when you know as much as possible ahead of time, you give yourself the opportunity to learn and prepare to become the best possible parent to your child.

Related Resources
•Domestic Adoption
•International Adoption
•The Basics: Domestic & International
Learn More About
•Child Health Issues
•Special Needs & Subsidies

© Nancy S. Ashe

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