A Voice for Teen Adoptees - page 2
Part 2: The InterviewQ: Why did you develop the Web site?A: I started the Teen Adoptees website because no matter where I looked, I couldn't seem to find anything that was just for Teen Adoptees!! I searched and searched, but couldn't find anything. I found a few clubs here and there, but I think there ended up being more stories from grieving birthmoms than from adoptees. Which is fine... but I thought, "there needs to be a place where adoptees can really relate and talk to each other. We are the only ones who feel what we feel... it's different even for adult adoptees. We can help each other more than anyone else can help us." And so, I built the site. I hope this continues to be a success.
Q: What do you hope the site will accomplish?A: I just want teenaged adoptees to be able to talk to each other and maybe gain advice from one another. As I said, nobody understands what we go through except us, so we can give better advice on the subject than anyone else. I also hope that adoptees of all ages will visit the My Mission page,and help me put together a book that will be a resource for adoptive parents. Maybe our a-parents have made mistakes, but we can help future adoptees to have a better life.
Q: What are the three primary issues or problems you think teen adoptees face today?A: I think the three primary issues or problems that teen adoptees face today,would be how to react to their birthparents and adoptive parents, how to deal when their adoptive parents put too much pressure on them, and how toreact to who they really are.
I think the first problem speaks for itself... adoptees are constantly wondering who their real parents are. And the truth is, adoptees have two sets of parents. Adoptive parents are our real parents... they're who raised us. But nonetheless, birthparents are who gave us life, and that has to count for something. It's difficult to accept that.
The second problem is more complex. Adoptive parents tend to feel threatened by birthparents... as if they are going to steal their child away from them. In reality, the birthparent/s usually just want to make sure their child is alive and happy, and they want to thank the adoptive parents for caring for their child and for raising them. Adoptive parents have to deal with the fact that they don't get to have those physical bonds with their child... but birthparents have to deal with the fact that they never heard the first words, never saw the first steps, never bandaged the knees after a bike crash, never got to see that first report card!! I know so many birthmoms who would give up those phsyical ties just to be able to have those little things that mean so much. Adoptive parents feel threatened, and they put pressure on their child to choose who the real parent is. They may speak critically of the birthparent/s, may lie, may cover up things to save face. Some of this is unintentional... some is not. This pressure forces the child to choose... and usually, they'll choose the adoptive parent, because they're familiar, and the birthparent isn't. That's just not fair. Adoptees have a right to know their birthfamilies, and so many times adoptive parents deny them that right.
The third problem combines the first two problems. As an adoptee, we have two sets of parents, and pressure to choose just one. But which? And whichset is the real parent? It's confusing!!
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