A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption and Dissolution
What To Do When Your Adoption is Failing - Introduction One of the saddest - and most controversial - occurrences in the world of adoption is when adoptive parents feel compelled to disrupt or dissolve an adoption.
Views surrounding disruption and dissolution are widely divided. Many believe adoptions should never be allowed to disrupt or dissolve; some think disruption or dissolution is the answer at the first sign of trouble; and others believe disruption or dissolution can be the best solution for families and children in certain extreme cases.
Whatever our position, it's prudent to remember that:
- the risk of arriving at the point of disruption or dissolution can be minimized if full disclosure is made to prospective adoptive parents, and if parents take advantage of every learning opportunity to understand what challenges may be encountered;
- the child's well-being and best interests must be paramount.
The sad fact is that some adoptions do reach the point where parents consider disruption or dissolution, and the lack of guidance, procedures, support, and compassion can throw families already stressed to the breaking point into chaos, not knowing where to turn or what steps to take.There is a shockingly small amount of information on this topic available to the general public. Disruption statistics are easy to find, but a guide to the before, during, and after of the process? This is a first.
Disruption is not a topic of general conversation - possibly because no one wants to anticipate the failure of an adoption, or because it seems to imply that the
people involved (agencies, parents, professionals) have failed a child. The topic can generate accusatory and negative comments and, as a result, many who face the prospect of disruption or dissolution often take their discussions to private groups where they may try to find their own solutions. It is time to bring disruption discussions out into the open.
The author of this adoption disruption Guide writes:
"For years, I never mentioned the fact that I had suffered through two disruptions. Emotionally, they felt like miscarriages or even abortions, and no one wants to hear about loss. But over the years, I have learned that I have every reason to feel pride about my personal stats. I have attempted to adopt 11 times, all high risk children with special needs, most of them older children who had spent a lot of time in the system. Some of these were highly questionable matches that the adoption agency should have steered me away from, in favor of a child whose needs I could better meet. But I trusted the agency too much. I expected it to be infallible. From what I have learned about disruption risk and large family dynamics, it is almost miraculous that 9 of these adoptions have been successful and only 2 disrupted. I believe that adoptive parents who try everything before giving up, and who only give up when safety concerns force them to, should have no regrets either. They should hold their heads up high. Supermom, after all, is a mythical being."
This Parent's Guide is intended as a non-judgmental source of information for parents who may be considering this serious step. I am greatly indebted to Dr. Rita Laws for her work on creating the Guide for the site, and it is our hope that it will not only provide accessible, reliable, plain-language information, but also increase understanding of the challenges that face families in extreme crisis.
"What To Do When Your Adoption Is Failing: A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption and Dissolution" (Each section of the Guide can be printed for personal use and one-time reprint in newsletters of non-profit support groups and non-profit agencies.)
© Nancy S Ashe
Home
Comments
I disputed the adoption of my daughter 10 years ago. Her mother and I were not a couple and living in two different states at the time. When she told me she was pregnant, I was only days from returning back to my home in California. I was on the spot. She had weeks to tell me and waited until two days before I left to tell me. She said she did not want anymore children. She had one son already. She decided she wanted an abortion. I have never agreed with abortion for my life. So, I was less than enthusiastic about that decision. Still, I could do nothing to influence the situation because, under law, she had the right to choose. While in California, I did not hear anything from my daughter's mother. Then, one day, I get a knock at the door and an officer is there with papers to serve me. The papers were for a adoption proceeding. On one hand, I was glad that abortion was obviously averted. Yet, on the other hand, I was going to have to fight an adoption. The couple that was listed as the adopting parents seemed like they would be great parents at least from what I read about them. They taught at UCLA and were upstanding citizens. Still, even though I could not fight an abortion and had no say in the matter. I did have a say in whether a child, my child, would be raised by me or strangers. I often wonder why people think that this side of the matter is less prevalent. After reading further through the packet, I realized that it was quite simple to fight the adoption. All I had to do was write a letter. That day I wrote it. I sent it off the next. When I got a reply, it was from my daughter's mother who called me directly at home. She had known where I was the entire time. She asked me why I disputed the adoption. I told her that I would rather raise my own child. The choice of whether she would come into the world or not was denied me. But, the choice of whether she would be raised by her father even if her mother did not want her was mine. Sadly, I was wrong. She told me flatly that she would keep my daughter and raise her before she would EVER let me have her. That was ten years ago. Until this day, I have only seen my daughter whenever I have flown to Alabama to see her. My daughter now resides in North Carolina. I guess the reason that I place this comment is to say that there are those in the adoption process who are forgotten. No matter how small the percentage, those forgotten few are important. I have to fight to see my child. My child was offered to strangers and withheld from me. One may ask, what kind of person I am that my daughter's mother would so adamantly refuse to give me my daughter to raise. I say, what does it matter at this point except that we all know that even criminals in penetentiaries get to see their children and I, a free, hardworking, good-natured, honest, responsible, religious man (the father of 4) cannot even get his daughter for a single day in 10 years? Adoption has many faces. Unfortunately, too many of them are ugly.
Posted by: kmccord at 05/24/2008 07:34 PM
I absolutely do not want to seem judgmental but I am the adoptive parent of 3 children. We are currently adopting our fourth. I teach adoption classes for our local Children's Division. Adopting a child is a LIFETIME commitment. It is not like adopting a puppy or buying a car. Services are provided if there are needs such as therapy, intensive in home therapy, family therapy, etc. Children need to know that they are always your child. No matter what! My husband and I have 5 grown biological children and none of them were perfect. One son had to be put in drug rehab 3 times. You don't give up on family. People need to realize this BEFORE adopting and they do need to dig for as much information as possible so that they can be sure this child will be a good fit. Even so...problems come up. I know of several children whose adoptions were disrupted and these children are in so much pain. They have huge trust issues and feel like they are worthless. More needs to be done to stop this from occurring and I feel that it should not even be an option legally.
Posted by: mmartin at 03/28/2008 07:43 AM
I am looking for any information or help with our situation, we adopted a siblling group, we have had our son placed in a mental health facility for over a year now, he can not even come home for Christmas becaue of his behavior, his therapist thinks he is a danger to the family. What if we procede with a dissolution, what about his biological siblings?
Posted by: HesterRose at 12/20/2007 03:19 PM
Thankyou for this article. I am hurting so bad right now over having to place my adopted daughter in a residential home. I feel alone and guilty and grieved, but I could not find any information on this until I found your article. Tea
Posted by: tea at 12/02/2007 09:10 PM
Have you contacted a family attorney in your area for a consult?
From what I know, a lot of states can press charges for abandonment and can remove other children in the home if you terminate an adoption, so sometimes it's not an option for a lot of parents. Even with the documented abuse, RTC etc. So definitely consult with an attorney experienced in the family law and the state process.
Is your daughter diagnosed with RAD? (Reactive Attachment Disorder) If so, there is a support group I know of made up of parents dealing with this and I'm sure they would have a ton of resources and information on this issue.
Posted by: Crick at 06/22/2007 08:36 AM
View all comments (7)
Add Your Comments!
We want to know what you think. Your comments are important to us and the other readers. You are what makes this site special.