A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption and Dissolution
What To Do When Your Adoption is Failing - Introduction One of the saddest - and most controversial - occurrences in the world of adoption is when adoptive parents feel compelled to disrupt or dissolve an adoption.
Views surrounding disruption and dissolution are widely divided. Many believe adoptions should never be allowed to disrupt or dissolve; some think disruption or dissolution is the answer at the first sign of trouble; and others believe disruption or dissolution can be the best solution for families and children in certain extreme cases.
Whatever our position, it's prudent to remember that:
- the risk of arriving at the point of disruption or dissolution can be minimized if full disclosure is made to prospective adoptive parents, and if parents take advantage of every learning opportunity to understand what challenges may be encountered;
- the child's well-being and best interests must be paramount.
The sad fact is that some adoptions do reach the point where parents consider disruption or dissolution, and the lack of guidance, procedures, support, and compassion can throw families already stressed to the breaking point into chaos, not knowing where to turn or what steps to take.There is a shockingly small amount of information on this topic available to the general public. Disruption statistics are easy to find, but a guide to the before, during, and after of the process? This is a first.
Disruption is not a topic of general conversation - possibly because no one wants to anticipate the failure of an adoption, or because it seems to imply that the
people involved (agencies, parents, professionals) have failed a child. The topic can generate accusatory and negative comments and, as a result, many who face the prospect of disruption or dissolution often take their discussions to private groups where they may try to find their own solutions. It is time to bring disruption discussions out into the open.
The author of this adoption disruption Guide writes:
"For years, I never mentioned the fact that I had suffered through two disruptions. Emotionally, they felt like miscarriages or even abortions, and no one wants to hear about loss. But over the years, I have learned that I have every reason to feel pride about my personal stats. I have attempted to adopt 11 times, all high risk children with special needs, most of them older children who had spent a lot of time in the system. Some of these were highly questionable matches that the adoption agency should have steered me away from, in favor of a child whose needs I could better meet. But I trusted the agency too much. I expected it to be infallible. From what I have learned about disruption risk and large family dynamics, it is almost miraculous that 9 of these adoptions have been successful and only 2 disrupted. I believe that adoptive parents who try everything before giving up, and who only give up when safety concerns force them to, should have no regrets either. They should hold their heads up high. Supermom, after all, is a mythical being."
This Parent's Guide is intended as a non-judgmental source of information for parents who may be considering this serious step. I am greatly indebted to Dr. Rita Laws for her work on creating the Guide for the site, and it is our hope that it will not only provide accessible, reliable, plain-language information, but also increase understanding of the challenges that face families in extreme crisis.
"What To Do When Your Adoption Is Failing: A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption and Dissolution" (Each section of the Guide can be printed for personal use and one-time reprint in newsletters of non-profit support groups and non-profit agencies.)
© Nancy S Ashe
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Comments
I'm sorry you are going through this! Do you have any support groups near you with moms of RAD children? I know a few online groups you could join and they are a wealth of information as well as support for you. I also really urge you to find an attachment therapist that specializes in RAD to help both you and your daughter.
Posted by: Crick at 12/29/2009 12:59 PM
Our daughter was almost 8 years old when she came to us. We were supposed to be a temporary home until she could be moved to her pre-adoptive home. She was removed from her previous pre-adoptive home due to an allegation she made against them. They never even attempted to get her back. She was a beautiful, affectionate child. The case worker had a home lined up for her and told me she wasn't happy with the new home and asked if we would consider adopting her. She gave us 1 week to decide. We had doubts before the adoption date and were told it would be devastating to her if we didn't adopt her. So we did.
We got very little information about her. Our county case worker kept telling me to get the info from the state worker and I kept asking. She gave me a file the day of the adoption. The were multiple copies of the same pages. I found out from her birth aunt that birth mom had a daily coke habit during pregnancy and was flying when she gave birth. About 2 years after we adopted D, my name was mentioned in passing by a friend to a case worker and the case worker said "Oh, isn't she the one that adopted that little RADs girl?"
Yep. That was me. In the last 6 years, our life has gone to hell. When I didn't think it could get more difficult, she turned 13. We have tried counselor after counselor. She steals, lies, manipulates, runs away (not really runs away - she leaves the house because she's angry and hangs out somewhere until the police pick her up). We wanted a "real" evaluation and sent her to Roger's in Wisconsin for this evaluation. She was a wonderful child there and do you know what their diagnosis was? ADD. She's now in a day treatment program. Again, she's this sweet, sweet child there. They've decided that she really doesn't mean to misbehave, lie, steal, cheat, sneak, manipulate and all those other things. I just need to write things down for her. I want to laugh. I want to cry.
This is the first time I've said/written these words. I want to dissolve the adoption. I NEED to dissolve the adoption. I don't like the person I'm turning into. I get up stressed. I go to bed stressed. I'm grumpy. I think I'm depressed.
I have my weekly appointment with her day treatment provider on Tuesday. I'm going to go there and he's going to tell me how well she's doing and that she's cooperating and he's so proud of her progress. I've tried telling him that she's playing him. He doesn't know my daughter. How can someone that's supposed to be trained in this be so blind?
Submitting this will make it real. I love her. I don't like her. I don't like me right now.
Posted by: ataloss at 12/19/2009 10:50 PM
I wish someone had answered rcf's question regarding letting someone else have legal custody of an adopted child. I also have two adopted girls. I've had them for 8 years. Both have RAD. After years of therapy the older one is just out of contol. I don't believe that SS can help me. I've been through this long enough and been to numerous therapists. This girl is 13 and is as big as I am. She has hit me a few times now. She smears, constantly curses me out, steals, etc.. This isn't fair to the rest of my children. I thought that with enough love and therapy that she'd get better, but after 8 years my family can't take anymore. I was also wondering if I can let her live with another relitive that is willing to try and care for her. Can I sign over legal custody to this relitive? I don't know what to do?
Posted by: tired at 02/15/2009 04:55 PM
I have adopted two little girls, 10 and 6, not biologically connected and the six year old has my home in chaos all the time, everyone else takes a second seat to her and agencies don't seem to be capable of offering any suggestions or services. I feel like my life is a nightmare and I ache to see my ten year old suffer. Where does one start, when an adoption isn't working? Can I legally sign over custody to someone willing to take her?
Posted by: rcf1120 at 11/06/2008 11:16 PM
If you are judging, you do not belong in this thread, it is specifically stating "nonjugemental" and if you "seem" to be judging it is because you are!
"People need to realize this BEFORE adopting and they do need to dig for as much information as possible so that they can be sure this child will be a good fit. Even so...problems come up. I know of several children whose adoptions were disrupted and these children are in so much pain."
I am sorry to burst your bubble, but you can NEVER know if it is a good fit. You may think it is, hope it is, pray it is a good fit, but how can you know until you live with them?
There IS often a honeymoon period where the child views you as strangers (they are charming and engaging with strangers) Let me repeat that for you you NEVER know if it will be a good fit!!! Anymore than knowing a spouse will be a good "marriage material" for a lifetime before you have lived with them, just because you loved THEM while you dated. That is why there is divorce. Now normally people do not talk about divorcing their kids. Of course we love our kids, and if we have given them a loving foundation, of course they love us back! But sometimes if our kids have come to us later, that does not always work out that way, no matter how much you work on that. No matter how much we love them, no matter what we have provided for them, no matter how much therapy the receive! Sometimes it does, but realistically sometimes, not.
I don't know the situation your kids were adopted from...but MY kids can NOT LOVE back! As if that is not difficult enough they HATE us for trying. Our love is not enough, and neither has been all the therapies we have implemented.
Don't talk about your 3 adopted children on a judgemental soapbox...your children are not our children. Are your children receiving a world of therapies, because mine are not, I am not only fighting this heinous disorder RAD on a daily basis...I am fighting a hugely flawed system that barely recognizes how pervasive this disorder is in our society. Not only amongst adoptees, but neglected and abused children living with their families! A system that does not cover the exhorbitant cost of RAD therapy and typical psycho-therapy? Well my kids lie to the therapists (those therapists, and all the others they see!)
Would you be preaching "Adopting a child is a LIFETIME commitment" and attend "family therapy" :
if your adopted son was repeatedly raping your biological daughters?
if your adopted daughter had been sodomizing your younger child with household objects,
If there was an arsenal of weapons under your childs matress, even jailhouse style weapons that they made themselves from things they have found around the house, even broken toys? So you can not make the home "child safe" from these kids, because notHing is off limits, they are so resouceful even toys and dining room chairs become a weapon?
if there was feces all over your couch, walls, pillows, in the swimming pool, and if you can't get the smell out of your nose, because even if you can't see it, there is no end to where it is smeared in your home? :(
if there was no end to the brutalizations of your other children or you? If you yourself was your child's punching bag? If your eyes were being blackened, if your lips were being busted. If there was no more money left and no governmental funding being handed to you on a silver platter for yet another Residential Treatment center that is doing NOT enough to stop the insanity and chaos your lives have become?
Would you still be saying:
"Adopting a child is a LIFETIME commitment "? :confused:
Because in my opinion if YOU felt in these situations that "adoption is a lifetime committment" where then is your allegiance to the other children in the house biological or otherwise? You are not commited enough to them to keep them safe. You are then subjecting them to abuse by proxy... by default....how is that in the "best interest" of the other children??? You are allowing them and yourself to live in an abusive situation risking they then will grow up to be abusers!
If you are not in the same boat, please do not rock it. Certainly do not add further insult to the pain we live. No one wants to be in this position or make a decision such as this. We all started this process with the best of intentions! :(
Thank you.
Posted by: hipretty at 09/07/2008 06:47 AM
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