A Birthmother's Perspective
by Shannon Lewis
I haven't enough heart, or enough money, or enoughblood in my veins, for all the anguish I feel for all the people affected by the recent attacks on our country and our people. Ihave given of myself what I could without a second thought. But I harbor a secret: I am selfish. Amidst all the grief othersare feeling, I have my own secret suffering of which this is the first I've spoken. It is first and foremost in my heart; it is the tie that binds me to all human loss. I can not share in the little relief others have felt. Instead I scour the lists of victims for the name of a 7-year-old little girl, a name I don't even know completely, and a little girl I don't know at all. But her existence is the only evidence of the miraculous I haveever borne witness to. She is my daughter. She does not live with me. I entrusted her to the hands of strangers seven long years ago. I am trying to convince myself that they will keep her safe, as I have succeeded in doing in the past when doubt has cast its long and dark shadow on me. I haven't yet succeeded this time. Whoever says terror is icy is wrong. Terror is a hot, wet thing that envelops you ina smothering embrace, stealing the very air from your lungs and the spit from your mouth.
There are those who would deny me my motherhood, but if they could take a peek inside of me, go through this dark lookingglass into my world, they would see that I wait and worry and search with a mother's frantic mind and sickened heart.
I tell myself she must be fine. What are the odds? What are the odds that this little girl from Florida would have been one of the, though many, relatively few killed? Then a sinistervoice whispers with the hot breath of hell into my ear, what were the odds on September 10th that this would have happened at all? But I still search for that name, and I simply hope that I continue to do so in vain.
•
More reader contributions
Home
Comments
That is a sad article. Thank you for sharing.
[QUOTE=ArticleBot]A Birthmother's Perspective, by Shannon Lews
Continue reading [url=http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/a-birthmothers-perspective-reader-submission.html]A Birthmother's Perspective[/url][/QUOTE]
Posted by: Patti at 12/16/2006 03:35 PM
Before we adopted our son at age five, we met with his Birth Mom, he had been in foster care since he was two. She was a young girl, she tried but she knew she could not raise him. We took our son to the last vist he would have with her until he was eighteen. I watched her suffer, i could see that it would be the hardest thing she would ever have to do in her life. I was torn in two different emotions, the sad emotion watching her cry for the son she would not see agian for years. A happy emotion, it was over and we were going to adopt our son we dreamed of. I made an agreement with her before we left, I told her she could send him Birthday Presents and Christmas Presents,through the agency, he would always know they were from her. I write her every year around this time, giving her updates on his life along with alot of pictures. I did that for her, but most of all I did it for my son, i want him always to know that she let him go because she loved him,she gave him life. She thanks me in every letter for loving her son, I thank her for giving him life.
Posted by: lynnrose at 12/11/2006 08:34 PM
I agree that this piece illustrates the fact that a first mother is a real mother. However, I found myself feeling revulsion, and I think I've figured out why. I feel revolted, because this is a portrait of a woman whose mind is using a disaster as an excuse/weapon to punish herself for letting go of her child. There's no realistic worry here - only an opportunity to beat herself up.
Posted by: alchemy at 12/05/2005 12:45 PM
This perspective should help us all to realize that even if the birth mother relinquishes her rights to her child, the child is still hers in her heart. She still worries and wonders if her child is safe, secure, warm, and healthy. It does not stop with the placement. Yes, she knows that the adoptive parents will do everything in their power to take care of the child that she has given them, but she also has the normal, everyday thoughts of mothers across the world. This should open up the eyes of adoptive parents and adopted children to realize that the birth mother still carries that child in her heart, even though she does not have him or her in her arms.
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 02:51 PM
View all comments (4)
Add Your Comments!
We want to know what you think. Your comments are important to us and the other readers. You are what makes this site special.