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Adoption Decisions
by Ellen Sarasohn Glazer, LICSW
In considering adoption, prospective adoptive parents face several critical decisions. Needless to say, the biggest decision is whether to adopt at all. This article will assume that readers have answered "yes" to this first question and will address those which are likely to follow. They include:
"Are we ready to adopt? "
Since many prospective adoptive parents approach adoption with a history of infertility or pregnancy loss, adoptive decision making often begins in the midst of treatment. You begin to ask yourselves "when is enough, enough?" and to contemplate ending treatment after one or two or.....more cycles. Similarly, those who suffer repeated pregnancy losses may attempt to put a limit on the number of losses they are able to endure.
When you are considering adoption, you should not put pressure upon yourself to move forward. Adoption is not a race. Many of the most enthusiastic adoptive parents are those who moved most slowly in making the decision. They reminded themselves that the adoption time clock ticks a whole lot more slowly than the biological clock. They also reminded themselves that they would not be able to truly embrace adoption if their hearts were still focused on pursuing pregnancy. Top
Do I/we want to pursue more infertility treatments or perhaps complete other life goals before adopting?"
Having said this, there are several reasons that people do decide that it is time to move on to adoption. Some of these reasons are based upon guidance from their minds and others, upon guidance from their hearts. Guidance from the mind.
The high costs of medical treatment and of adoption force some to look carefully at how many additional treatment cycles they can afford and still have the resources for adoption. Some people end treatment because adoption is "a sure bet" and pregnancy is not.
A second reason for ending treatment before one feels truly ready is advice (or insistance) from a physician. Some reach a point when their physician tells them that it makes no sense to continue treatment. Although this is difficult--if not devastating--to hear, it does help people gain some closure and feel more prepared to move on.
A third reason for ending treatment involves concerns about the physical or emotional toll that it is having. You may decide to move on because you are afraid to take additional fertility medications or because you feel that the continued disappointments are taking too much of a toll on your marriage/career/self esteem.
Guidance from the heart
Many people decide to end fertility treatment because adoption finally feels right. This may come when a friend adopts or when you suddenly find yourself longing for a little girl from China. Ironically, many who deeply longed for a biological child are surprised at how attractive adoption becomes to them.
For couples considering adoption, the decision must be one that is made together. However, it is a rare couple that arrives at the decision simultaneously. Most often, one person is ready to adopt long before the other. Patience, understanding and open discussions help people arrive at the same place. When you find that you are both there--and it may take a long time to feel this way--you can feel prepared to move forward.
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"Do we want to adopt domestically or internationally? The following are reasons that people choose domestic adoption:
Access
Domestic adoption, by definition, occurs within this country. If you adopt domestically, you need not worry about the immigration, the political climate in the source country, or the challenges and vicissitudes of international travel.
Identity
Aware that adoptees have questions about their identities, many families are reluctant to adopt cross-culturally. Although you will have a different heritage from their child, being American-born will be part of your "shared fate."
Information
When an adoption occurs in this country, there is often the opportunity to have a great deal of information about they birthfamily. This is less likely--although not impossible--with international adoption.
Openness
Those prospective parents who want to have some contact with their child's birthparents will seek domestic adoption. There are some domestic adoptions which do not involve meeting or talking with the birthparents, but there are few international adoptions that do offer these features.
Medical
With domestic adoption parents can often get extensive medical information. This information is usually less accessible in international adoption. In addition, there are certain health problems, such as Hepatitis B infection, that are more common in international than in domestic adoptions.
Age of Child
Those who wish to adopt a newborn baby, choose domestic adoption. Although there are some adoptions of three and four month olds, most children adopted internationally are six months of age or older.
Multi-Culturalism
Faced with the losses of infertility, some families welcome the opportunity to "do something different"--to have a multi-cultural family.
Distance
Some prospective adoptive parents want to put distance between themselves and the birthparents. Frightened by "horror stories" they read the media, or uncomfortable with openness in adoption, they feel that they will be more secure and comfortable knowing that the birthfamily is very far away. However, it is important for you to remember that the adoption "horror stories" are very few and far between. Remember that just as newspapers report on the rare plane that crashes and not on all that land safely, so is it with adoption: the "crashes" make the news.
A Tie to a Country or Culture
Some families have a special feeling for another country or culture. They may have lived there or had family from that nation. In considering adoption, it feels natural to them to turn to a land for which they have such affection. Others may have a curiosity about and fascination with a particular country and turn to it for that reason.
Gender
Prospective adoptive parents who have a strong gender preference will often turn to international adoption because gender preference can often be honored.
The following are reasons people decide to adopt a child of the same race:
Privacy
Adoption is not a secret, but it can be private. When a family adopts a child of the same race, their privacy can be preserved in public settings (i.e. strangers will be unlikely to identify them as an adoptive family and ask intrusive questions).
Identity
Being adopted is a complicated and challenging experience. Aware that adoptees struggle with questions of identity, many parents feel that their children will have fewer questions if they are of the same race as their parents (and siblings). This is especially true for families who live in homogeneous communities where a child of another race is unlikely to have friends, teachers, and other role models of the same race. Acceptance in the family, the community and the religious group. In considering race in adoption, many prospective parents think about how their families, their community and their religious group will regard a child. Some conclude that although they themselves would welcome the opportunity to parent a child of another race, those close to them--or in their environment--would be less welcoming, comfortable or accepting.
The following are reasons people choose transracial adoption:
Humanitarian
In considering adoption, most people quickly learn that there are few white babies available for adoption and many bi-racial and African American. Some prospective parents are deeply troubled by this and decide that because all children have an equal right to a loving home, they will adopt transracially.
Community
Although some prospective adoptive parents live in communities in which it would be very difficult to adopt transracially, others do not. For those who are part of neighborhoods and/or religious groups that welcome and celebrate diversity, transracial adoption feels natural and comfortable.
Availability
Eager to be parents, some individuals and couples will opt for transracial adoption because of the time frame. Unwilling--or reluctant--to postpone parenting (especially if they are older), they will decide to pursue a transracial adoption, anticipating that it can be completed in a brief time frame. If you are considering transracial adoption for this reason, remember that you are making a decision for the rest of your life--and the life of the child. It is a very BIG decision that should not be made for reasons of expediency.
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"Do we want to adopt an infant or an older child?The following are reasons that people choose infant adoption:
Bonding and Attachment
Respectful of importance of early attachments, many prospective adoptive parents feel most comfortable seeking an infant. They anticipate that they and their child will bond easily.
The Significance of Environment
Although much is "nature", much is also "nurture." Many prospective adoptive parents want to minimize the possibility of other early environmental influences on their child. They feel more comfortable knowing it is their "nurture" right from the beginning.
Loss
Aware that any adoptee experiences loss, parents choosing infant adoption feel that they are minimizing the dimensions of loss. And there are personal losses to consider as well. When you have missed out on pregnancy, labor and delivery, it often feels very important to be with your child as soon as possible. With infant adoption in this country, adoptive parents are often in the delivery room. And although it is challenging, some adoptive mothers nurse their infants (almost always with supplemental feedings).
The following are reasons that people choose to adopt an older child:
Altruism
Aware that an older child is much less likely to find a home, prospective adoptive parents will consider an older child.
Access
Because it is more difficult to adopt an infant, families will decide on an older child. This is especially true for those who fear that they will have difficulty--perhaps because of their ages--adopting an infant.
Health
Some prospective adoptive parents are frightened by the medical unknowns that accompany any newborn into the world. While anyone's medical situation can change at any point, adopting an older child offers parents the opportunity to rule out retardation and severe physical and mental disabilities. However, if you are choosing to adopt an older child for these reasons, it is important to remember that older children often come with significant emotional scars.
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"Do we want to adopt independently or through an agency? "The answer to this question depends upon where you live and what sort of adoption you want to do.... Adoption is state regulated, meaning that the process varies significantly from state to state. In some states, such as Massachusetts, you must work through a licensed adoption agency (however, should you wish to do a "parent initiated" adoption, where you locate the birthmother on your own , you may arrange this through an agency). As a result, there are agencies that offer a "soup to nuts" adoption process: they handle the homestudy, locate the birthmother, handle housing, counseling and legal costs. Alternatively, private adoption is common in other states, especially those that do not require agency involvement. For those adopting internationally, it is almost always advantageous to work through an agency. There is simply too much to consider in terms of immigration, foreign consulates and agencies, foreign orphanages etc. to attempt a "do it yourself" or "a la carte" arrangement.
With domestic adoption the following are advantages of agency adoption:
Those seeking an older child or a special needs child, need to contact an agency. These children are rarely placed independently. Agency adoption demands less participation on the part of adoptive parents. You will not need to put in a special phone line, to take calls on your own, to evaluate birthmothers and to arrange services for them if you are working with an agency. Agency adoptions offer "back up" during fall-throughs. Although the security of the agency does not erase the pain, it does help you sort through the painful aftermath of a fall through. Agencies will work hard to help families move on to a successful placement after a fall through. Agency adoptions generally offer somewhat of a predictable time frame. Although there are not guarantees in adoption, agencies know how many babies they are placing each month and can assess with you--based on your age, religion, desired child etc.--how long it is likely to take.
With domestic adoption, the following are advantages of an independent adoption:
Independent adoptions are attractive to those who cannot find an agency that they feel comfortable working with. In addition, they may be faster and less costly than agency adoptions (however, since they are less predictable, they may also take longer and involve higher costs).
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"How do we feel about openness in adoption?"As most people who are considering adoption know, there has been a dramatic shift in adoption in the last 20 years. While it was once very unusual for adoptive parents and birthparents to meet, exchange information etc., it is now commonplace in domestic adoption, for there to be some contact at the time of placement between birth and adoptive parents. The amount of contact and its duration can vary considerably. In some regions of this country, it is very unusual for the two sets of parents to exchange any identifying information. In other regions, people may agree to not only exchange information but to continue to see each other intermittently.
Independent adoptions tend to be more "open" than agency adoptions. The reasons for this are varied. For one thing, independent adoptions are often arranged by the parties involved: if you find your birthmother, you will have phone and most likely, in person, meetings with her. If the agency finds your birthmother, you may not meet her if she requests a more closed arrangement. In considering openness, it is crucial that prospective adoptive parents try to look to the future. Many are frightened by the idea of talking with birthparents, but recognize that these meetings can offer them a great deal. In addition to the reassurance that comes from knowing that your child comes from "good people," there is medical information and family history that will be very important to your child. However, at the same time that you come to appreciate the value of in person meetings and conversations, it is also crucial that you anticipate your future desire for privacy. You are likely to feel very close to the birthparents before, during and after your child's birth, but you may desire more "boundaries" as time goes on.
Those considering international adoption, should remind themselves that there will be few, if any, opportunities to meet or talk with birthparents. Although this may initially seem attractive and "safer," you need to know that your perspective on this may change as your child grows. Try to prepare yourselves for questions that you will have down the road as well as questions the child may ask. You may have many compelling reasons to adopt internationally, but avoidance of birthparent contact is unlikely to be--or remain--one of them.
The questions addressed here are central to the decision making in adoption. As you sift through them, it is likely that you will experience some conflicts, inside yourself as well as with your partner. For example, you may be convinced that domestic adoption is "the way to go" one day and then find yourself enchanted by a little Chinese girl. Or you may feel certain that you need a newborn but soon discover that you would be comfortable adopting a child of several months.
Deciding to adopt is probably the most complicated, challenging and permanent decision that you make in the course of your lifetime. It makes sense that you will struggle with the decisions and that questions will continue to unfold as you make your way through the process.
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ellen s. glazer, licsw
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