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Moderator of Birthfamily Board, Dialogue Board
Moderator of Recent Birthmom Chat
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The main reason I write, is to educate and to inform. Your comments are very valuable to me, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I would like to take the time to reply back to some of the comments I have received over the past few months.
Here is a good opener.
"Are you going to give away your son too?"
- Z January 2, 2001
No, 'Z', I am not. I am not a baby machine that takes pleasure in giving her children away. We do what we feel is best, in the given circumstances, and the given time.
When deciding whether to place my daughter, or if I was to parent, I laid it all before God. People now assume that I kept my son solely because the adoption choice before was too painful. That is just not true.
Though there are losses with each choice, to place my daughter, and to keep my son, I feel confident in each choice. Each of my children are where they are supposed to be. Both of my children are not in my arms, but both of my children will forever reside in my heart.
"Skye, I do hope that you know that as a birth mom you have given me, an adoptee, many insights into how birth mothers feel, thank you." Brandy
- belleinblue January 2, 2001
Thank you. This is why I write. Too many times, the Birthmother is given the stereotype as an uncaring woman who abandons her child. That could not be more untrue! What great love it takes to put a child first, even when every part of you is screaming to be selfish.
So many Birthmothers have been silenced. I am here for the long run, and I have a very big mouth.
"Please keep the articles going. They are really great. I can no longer talk to my bmom and wished that she and I had written down what we felt. God bless you and your family."
- mtnestn2003 January 9, 2001
Thank you. I will keep them going. That is an excellent idea! I strongly suggest journaling and it is not too late to start. I am sorry your Birthmother and yourself do not talk any longer, but you can still journal your thoughts. Maybe in the future you will find your paths will cross once again. I wish you the best.
"Why aren't you keeping your daughter? I am adopted and I don't know why I was given away. Yes, that's how I feel given away. You can say what you do or don't want people to say but the world doesn't revolve around you."
- tgoth January 1, 2001
I have never asked anyone to revolve their world around me. I only have asked for respect. As a woman, as a mother, as a Birthmother, and as a person. Each of us in the triad deserves to be heard, and deserves respect. We each have our own story to tell.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for, if you are indeed looking. I am sorry you felt you were given away. I can imagine there is a woman out there, who cries tears with your name carved upon each one. I wish you the best.
"What are you going to tell your daughter when she asks you why you didn't keep her? Why don't you write an article about that?"
- Mr Smith January 2, 2001
That is a great idea. Maybe one day I will. For now, I feel that is a personl issue between my daughter and I. Thank you for the idea, however.
"Thank you for helping others understand what lies beneath the surface of the term birthmother. Please ignore the rude comments. They only prove that any idiot can get internet access these days. And please keep spreading the message. You are helping to save another birthmom from pain caused by unkind words."
- witneygrl January 2, 2001
This made me chuckle. I like the part about the internet access. How true!
I recieved a letter from a very heartbroken recent birthfather, not by choice. His letter touched me more than any other. I came to a few realizations from his email to me.
One being that birthfathers, the forgotten ones in the triad, grieve too. The second being that there are people who are hurting so badly, and to be able to receive a 'Thank you for telling our story' makes it all worth it.
It is very emotionally draining to write on a topic such as the placement of my daughter. The Bible says that through our testimonies we shall be healed. I am healing as I write, I pray someone else is healing as they read.
"It is a special gift to have a birth mother and an adoptive mother love and respect each other. Not every adopted child has that. You are both truly mothers who care for the child's best interest. Who wants two mothers not to get along? What a special and lucky daughter to have the both of you. I speak as an adoptee. God Bless."
- taydev January 9, 2001
Yes it is. The three of us are very blessed. Myself, my daughter's parents, and of course, Emily.
Many accuse such an open adoption as co-parenting. What it is is co-love. I love my daughter's mother. For who she is, and for her love for myself, and mostly for the love she holds for our child. She is an amazing woman, and an amazing mother. As I now raise my son, I consider her one of my mentors.
"I don't understand what could have changed so dramatically in someone's life that they needed to place a child for adoption and then have and keep another in less than two years time. I've also felt more love for children I've babysat than you profess to feel for this little girl, and that the feelings I have for my own two boys go worlds beyond that, so I wonder why it is that you feel so detached from this child."
- lesliphillips November 22, 2000
What can I say? Actually, thank you. I wrote one of my most popular articles, 'To Judge Without Knowing' in response to this comment.
I hope to educate, but some are uneducatable. Some come in with their preconcieved notions about certain situations and certain people.
Her words speak more about herself, than they do about my love for my child. My heart bleeds for my little girl, but it will not bleed at comments like this.
I have received down right horrible comments. I chose not to discuss them here. I simply have the wonderful editors of Themestream remove them and go about my business. A source to consider, considering the source.
"Beautiful aricle Skye. As an older bmom, I know for a fact that we can never replace our relinguished children. Our children are gifts to all of us, whether it is for nine months or a lifetime. Embrace Isaiah with all your love and be happy." Mari
- maryhicks January 2, 2001
Thank you Ma. ( I know this wonderful lady!) We are better people having known our children, even if it is only to say Good-bye.
"Thanks for sharing. I had no idea about a birth mother's grieving process." Karen Ledbetter - bzmommy94
Thanks for being open to learning. I am learning too! Each morning I am greeted with a new emotion. We can learn together.
"Your daughter will be richer for growing up knowing, loving and being loved by you." - wcstecker
Thank you. She is my only reason. One day I will hand her my work and I pray behind every word I write, she will she my love for her.
Love is a powerful thing. It drives people to never give up hope. It encourages people to hold on for dear life. It soothes people in their darkest hours, and sometimes, we love enough to let go.
* * * * *
Please keep the comments going! I want to hear from you. If you would like my feelings on a certain issue, please email me with your query.
Skye Hardwick
(c)2001
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