Q & A part 2

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Q & A part 2 Assistance Information Support

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Email this to a friend Q & AbySkye Hardwick {Email your questions to Skye by clicking her name above).

Does Time Heal?

" I am a Birthmother who just placed a daughtera few months ago. I enjoy the visits I have with her, but sometimes it all seems so hard to deal with. Can you tell me if the pain of placingyour child ever heals with time? Are you ever over it?"

~ Name withheld for privacy

Skye writes....

We all know the old saying, 'Time heals all wounds', but does it really? If enough time has passed will a hurt cease from aching? I am a believer, from the experiences I have had in my own twenty-two years of life, that it is nottime that heals wounds, but what you do with that time.

If you deny it, repress it, rationalize it, project it, hide it, down-play it, bury it, try to replace it, and shrug it off, it will come back to haunt you. This time, however, it will have had time to fester and rot.

If you deal with it, face it, embrace it, feel it, cry over it, accept it, journal about it, talk about it, pray to God about it, and grieve over it, you can find peace in your life.

Even still, you are never 'over' it. There are always new situations to go through as the child gets older. For myself, just as I dealt with my daughter's stranger anxiety she was over it. I was then dealing with hearing Emily call Beth 'Mommy'. After I had finally accepted that, there was something new to deal with.

From infancy to preschool, from teens to young adult, there are always new issues that come up. Personally, I try to take one day at a time. If I am too focused on what Emily may do years from now, I will miss what she is doing today.

That is why support groups are such a great thing to be involved in. There is something about being surrounded by people who have been down a road similar to yours. We all need a place full of compassion, understanding and without judgment.

Unlike people, pain knows no titles such as 'Birth parent' or 'Adoptive Parent'. All of us have walked on a journey of at least some amount of pain to reach the (sometimes last) choice of adoption. For the Adoptive Parent, it may be infertility or miscarriages. For the Birth Parent, it is letting go of her/his child.

I do believe there is hope for the future. I don't believe I have received a life sentence of continuing pain without joy for the rest of my life. I do have peace about my choice. Happiness is based on 'happenings'. Peace is a constant comfort.

Don't get me wrong. I have days in which I want to forget I am a Birthmother because it is all too painful. I have hosted many private pity parties! Still, peace is the foundation in which my emotions about the adoption rest upon.

Honestly, I am looking forward to when it comes full circle. The day will come when a tiny, pink bundle is placed in my daughter's weary arms. I believe it will be when Emily holds her own newborn child for the first time she will understand how much I truly love her.