Frozen

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To judge without knowing.a birthmom's writing by Skye Hardwick

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Frozen
bySkye Hardwick
November 14, 2000

A giggling small reflection of me runs wildly past me. We make eye contact before she moves on to the toys on the other side of the room.

I hear my mother tell me she is just like I was when I was her age. I smile, yet I feel nothing.

It took greater love than I can even put into words to place my daughter, Emily, for adoption in 1998. Now, however, I feel no real emotion for my child.

When I grieve over my child, I grieve over the loss of my baby. What about the toddler that plays before me now?

I still remember the day in the hospital I handed my sleeping newborn over to her Mother, Beth. I can tell you every detail with great emotion. Where do those emotions go when I speak of her now?

The bond between us, at least my end, has been frozen. Frozen in time. It waits for a time when we can have a relationship. When she is able to understand who I am and what role I play in her life. For now, my heart remains in a state of winter waiting for the spring come.

My heart is not cold, as in hard and bitter. Just frozen. I may be trying to preserve what I had with her for those nine months when we were mother and child.

I felt guilty. I questioned my ability to be a mother. I thought for a long time I was broken. I was afraid with my next child I would have bonding issues.

Now that my son is here, I know I have no problems with bonding to my children. I have also forced myself to face the grief and the guilt.

I have come to the conclusion it is a protecting mechanism. Though I do not know if it does more harm than good.

While I was pregnant with my son Isaiah, Emily's half brother, I refused to see Emily. I could not. I did not want to face the truth that my child is a stranger to me.

What gets me through this is knowing that love is not a feeling, love is an action, a verb.
I know I have done one of the ultimate acts of love for the sake of my child.

I will wait for the day when Emily and I can resume what we had for nine months and three days. It will not be quite the same. It will go from mother and child to birth
mother to birth child. I will still wait.

I fear the melting process will be a way for my heart to shed tears as my eyes have so many nights before.

Tears come to me now. Is the sun coming out?

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