Carried

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Lily glanced up nervously at the clock on the sea green hospital walls. It was ten after three. She had to be at the adoption agency across town at three thirty. These were her last moments as her child's only Mother.

She quickly dressed her sleeping child into the white outfit she brought, fully aware of time ticking away.

The adoptive parents, Beth and Jim were waiting at the end of the hall. This was Lily's time to say good-bye.

This is what it all came down to. This very moment. All the months of planning, crying, and preparing. She laid kiss upon kiss upon her daughter's sweet skin. It was warm to her Mother's touch. It tasted of innocence.

Time to go. This is it. She held her newborn up in her arms, still sitting on the hospital bed. With her head toward the ceiling, Lily called out to God.

"Father", her voice cracked, as well as her heart, "Father, it has all come down to this. Thank you for blessing me with this child. It was an honor to carry her within my womb."

Hot tears streamed down her face. Lily drew her child close to her and listened to her heartbeat. Then she looked into her daughter's face, carefully taking in every detail. Every eyelash, each curve of her angel face, she wanted it all.

She continued, "Father, I give this child back to you. May you guide her as she walks through life. May you protect her as only a Father can do. May she grow to love you as I do. Please Father, may she forgive me for this. Please...."

Her voice gave in to the tears. Sadness overcame her. Her own heartbeat ticked along with the hands of the clock, reminding her to hurry.

Lily collected herself, determined to finish her plea to an everlasting God. "For months You have told me You would be faithful. That You would grant me the strength, Father, to do this. I need Your strength, Father. I need it more than I even know, Amen"

Lily prepared to stand, ready to hand her child over to her waiting new family. Then, all of a sudden, a sensation came over her. It felt, like an uplifting, a burst of power straight from the throne of God. It was amazing! It was an answer to prayer. Lily stood with new-found strength.

Child still in her arms, she called down the hall to Beth, her daughter's new Mother. Slowly Beth walked into Lily's room and smiled, obviously pained by the grief in Lily's face. Beth cared deeply for Lily. She was one of the few in the whole adoption process that valued Lily as a person, not just for the unborn baby within her womb.

Lily walked closer to Beth and placed her daughter gently into her arms. The tears would not be held back now, for they came forth like a force that could not be contained.

Beth cried as Lily whispered to to her sleeping baby, "Forgive me my child, never forget me!"

She pressed her tear stained lips onto the child's forehead, and then she turned and walked out the door.

The door felt as if it were made out of cold steel. It slammed loudly behind her. The door represented the forever separation between her and her child. She had to leave. She had to get out of that place.

Stunned, she staggered to the nurses station, upset that she must leave in a wheelchair. It was hospital policy. Hospital policy does not care to make exceptions for mothers like Lily.

Never had she known a pain like leaving the maternity unit without her child. She secretly hoped those who saw her would think her child had been stillborn, not the truth, that she had left her baby with another. She kept her gaze to the floor. Numbness began to set in.

Lily does not remember the ride to the agency, only that it seemed to take forever and a day to get there, although it was only a few miles in distance. The tears had stopped. They would come later.

Lily slipped her fingers to her neck to check her pulse. She needed to convince herself that she was not dead, for she was certain this is what death felt like.

At the agency, the same things were explained over and over by 'her' attorney. Like he gave a damn. She wanted to go home to her apartment so she could succumb to her brokenness.

The same signature that signed her checks and birthday cards, severed her rights to her own flesh and blood, by her own choosing. She would never see her name the same way again. The power of a signature....

It was done. Time of death 3:47 p.m.

On her way home, her mother suggested they stop at a small deli to pick up some groceries. She dragged herself into the store feelin that she looked like the walking dead. Lily was thankful no one seemed to notice. Except the kind old man at the checkout.

"Oh, I see you have a little one in your belly!" , he said, grinning ear from ear.

"Yes." ,The words choked up in her dry throat. "I have a little one."

"Congrats and God bless you, honey;" he said, and turned to Lily's mother for payment.

Eyes burning, Lily escaped to the car. The cold November air made her skin feel as if it were on fire. She cursed the wind. She cursed everything.

Her mother intended to spend the night with her in her apartment, but Lily wanted to be alone. Clutching her heavy bags, she watched her mother drive off. She headed up the three flights of stairs to her private sanctuary.

When Lily walked into her apartment, a gloomy silence greeted her. The last time she was home, she was not alone, for she had her child with her. Now, for the first time in nine months, she was utterly alone.

She gave into the night.

* * * * * *

Three weeks later Lily lay in bed, unable to sleep. She thought of the visit with her daughter the week before. Beth had brought the child to stay the night with her. Lily chuckled to herself. How the 'adoption professionals' would freak if they heard the baby slept in this very bed!

She turned to her side, eyes gazing through the blinds. Deeper thoughts came to her. Lily wanted some answers from God.

"Father," she called, "in the hospital room - what was that? That feeling of power? I can't describe it! What was it? It was almost like a supernatural lifting."

She didn't expect an answer, but sometimes God does things we do not expect.

She knew that still small voice. It was like the hush that comes over a room when a child first emerges from his Mother, like the calm of a sleepy mountain covered in a fresh snow and like the soft rain cascading down a window.

"Child, it was then that I carried you."

It was then that she realized, the God of Moses and David, the God who delivered the slaves of Egypt, the God that loosened His Son from the grips of death - He was there with her - in that dreary hospital room, in a little town in northeastern Ohio.

She called upon her God, and her God answered her petition.

That uplifting was her Heavenly Father picking her up because her journey had become too painful for her to bear alone.

His grace was sufficient for her. His power was made perfect in her weakness.

When she could no longer carry on, He carried her....