He Knows Your Heart.............
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Email this to a friend Open adoption is not about having your cake and eating it too! Comments and Questions - My answers. I am not a professional, nor do I claim to be.I do not answer from a book - but only from my heart. [Note: The quotes are not made up - they are from real people.] "...what I have read once you signed your rights away you have no rights at all to see your child - no matter if the adoptive parents say they will send pictures and letters and go back on their word..." Sad but true. What happened to my moral rights?We are all so busy throwing our lawful rights in each other's faces we forget what actually is the morally right thing to do. If the Adoptive Parents promised an open adoption with contact, why would the Birthmother be in the wrong for pursuing a promise that was given to her?If they lied, then why is she scorned? When someone breaks the open adoption agreement - whether Adoptive Parents or Birth Parents - they not only have hurt the other parent, but more so the child down the road.
"....A Birthmother who chooses to relinquish her child for adoption and then proceeds to visit that child in an open adoption is driven by selfish motives. She is selfish." That is just about as absurd as someone saying, "An Adoptive Mother who chooses to have a more closed adoption chooses to do so because she feels threatened by the Birthmother and fears the relationship the Birthmother and the child may have in the future." There may be some Birthmothers who have selfish motives - just as there are some Adoptive Mothers who feel threatened - but do not put all of in the same box as these. "Open Adoption is just a so-called remedy cure for the heartache a woman who has given up her baby." Are you saying the wretched pain goes away? There is a remedy out there? If so, please, point me in it's direction because I have a very open adoption and the heartache will always be there. Open Adoption does not make things easier - only more bearable. "To be able to watch your child grow is the gift that comes from being a parent." No, to watch your child grow is a gift from God. We have all heard this one from a popular talk show host: "...God put you in the wrong tummy, and when He saw that He made a mistake, He fixed it..." God doesn't make mistakes.Plain and simple. My Daughter's coming through my body to her Mother's arms was not a mistake, it was something else: His will. God did not "use" my body as an adoption agency may have - He had a plan. For Emily to be all she is supposed to be - she needed me.And when I placed her into the arms of another I kept the thought tucked in my heart that for Emily to be all she is supposed to be, she needed her Mother, Beth. "How can you say a child can tell the difference between it's Adoptive Parents and it's Birth Parents?" The saying is:If a mother can love more than one child, then why is it hard to believe a child can love more than one mother? (Author Unknown) Children are smarter than we give them credit for. If the Adoptive Parents embrace the Birth Parents into their lives, the children can pick up on that. On the other hand if the Adoptive Parents are cold to the Birth Parents, the children can pick up on that as well. Adoptive Parents 'A' wonders why little Jonny stiffens and acts uncomfortable whenever they visit with Jonny's Birth Parents. Could it be that Adoptive Parents 'A' first stiffened and acted uncomfortable? Why is it that my Daughter plays Mr. Potato Head with me? Could it be that her Mother used to put her in my lap, hand me a book, smile and say, "She likes to be read books." Furthermore, from early on in my life,I have had a mother and I have had a step mother. Not for one moment in time was I ever confused with who was who. I have not loved them in the same way, yet I deeply love them both. People donot have a 'blanket love' - a love that is the same for one and all. For each person you love there is a special place in your heart. I believe there is a spot in my Daughter's heart with my name on it. "You can't come back in and parent." If I wanted to parent, I would have chosen to.I was not forced by the courts to surrender my rights. I was not addicted to drugs. I did not live on the streets with nothing of my own.I chose to place her into the arms of another. There is a difference between co-parenting and co-love.
"The old days when young girls were sent off to special homes where they left without their c hildren were a lot more honest. How can someone honestly feel that subjecting a child under the age of 10 to two sets of parents is beneficial..." How can anyone say that anything about the older days of adoption were honest!? These women were often forced to go to these homes - sometimes states away from their family and friends - alone they gave birth to their children only to have them wisked away by a nurse - never to be seen again for decades. Many of their children were told at age forty or fifty they were adopted. Some were never told - they either found out or they went to their graves still not knowing. The secrets and lies of the older days of adoption can be summed up in one word: Rape. A rape against mothers and a rape against their children. They were violated, they were seduced and left laying in their soiling shame. Their children lay crying alone in a cradle far away from their mother's embrace. They were robbed in those first moments of their lives - robbed of touch and warmth from their mother's breast. These women/girls then were sent back home and were told to "Forget".Some were not allowed to ever speak of their precious children for fear of the shame they would bring upon their families. Alone they mourned the children they loved so dearly. Never say there was honesty in that era of adoption! You speak with confidence in your absolute lack of knowledge - lack of compassion for those who lived that life, and those who still do. So tell me what is so un-benefical for a child to be loved by so many? To always have answers - medically and emotionally? To know from the lips of those who have been there that they were and are still loved? To know they were not abandoned? To see their parents embrace a part of their heritage, a part of their past, a part of their future? I don't complicate my Daughter's life; I compliment it. "How can a child be whole knowing they were given up for adoption?" How can a child be whole after a devastating divorce? Some get in an uproar at the mention of open adoption, yet they are silent as children are being passed back and forth between two bickering sides. A Birthmother is called selfish for wanting to see how her child is doing over the years and yet a parent who uses their child to get back at their ex or abandons them for another partner - and this is acceptable? Many adoptees speak of feeling a void from not knowing who and where they came from.Some say they always felt something was missing. When speaking of open adoption the term 'given up' must be thrown out the door. I did not give up my baby. Those in decades earilier they literally gave up their children to the adoption system. They did not know who was raising their child. They did not have any say so. I placed my child for adoption. I literally placed my Daughter into the arms of her new Mother. I know who is raising my child. I had every say. "It is sad a Birth Parent will pass over the perfect couple to raise their baby just because the couple does not want to be as open." Well, if the couple is not as open as the potential Birthmother wishes, then they are not the perfect couple, are they? Put yourself in her shoes, if you were her and you knew you wanted to see pictures of your child growing up - wouldn't you seek out a trustworthy couple who feels asyou do about openness? If you think she is asking for too much, just remember what you are asking of her - to trust you to love and raise this child to the best of your abilities. My advice to women who are expecting and are thinking of an adoption plan is this: If you have researched open adoption, and have spoken with a professional about your options and your rights, and have educated yourself about open adoption and you know that is what you want - seek out adoptive parents who feel the same way. When I was looking through profiles I found a couple that appealed to me. Actually, at the small agency I went through there were only two profiles from couples willing to have an open adoption. When I met this one couple they were wonderful - and I told them about what I wished for from the open adoption. (At that time: Visits two times a year, letters , pictures once a month the first year.) I could tell they were very uncomfortable. I was then informed by another person from the agency that in private this couple said they did not want that open of an adoption. That they would be the child's parents and they had to protect their child - all saying this while the child was still in my womb. They said they were "open to being open". That was not good enough for me. I wanted to find an adoptive couple who felt the same way - and I did. Actually, the wonderful family I chose ended up being more open than I ever imagined. For those adoptive couples in waiting who are upset withpotential Birthmothers for "forcing" them into being more open than they wished - These women are giving you the most precious gift and all we ask is if you give us a promise for an open adoption,please honor that promise . If you do not want to be open,I respect that, but please find a Birthmother who feels the same. Just as a birth parent must lookwith discernment whenchoosing an adoptive couple, I believe, so too an adoptive couple should have discernment about a birth parent. I believe possibly some heartache could be spared if an adoptive couple would see and heed the red flags about a potential birth parent. I do not wish myself to come off as believing a potential birth parent can do no wrong. There are wonderful, loving adoptive families that are lied to, they are heartbroken, they are taken advantage of, or harassed by birth parents. Before we are adoptive or birth parents we are people - and as well all know some people in this world are no good. Personally, I believed God had one special couple picked out to be my Daughter's Parents. I was not foolish in not choosing that first couplewho did not want to be as open - even though I was due in a few weeks. I believe that was God' s way of saying, 'No, they are not who I have chosen." Then He led me to Beth and Jim.Emily is their special child - the one they had waited forover a decade.She is the answer to their prayer - she was well worth the wait. "...The Adoptive Parents didn't send you any photos.In their right mind, why would they? You signed your rights away..." Yes, but I didn't sign away my love. Who in their right mind would? Thousands and thousands of Adoptive Parents keep their end of the agreement. Not because they have to, but because they want to. Thousands have a close relationship with their child's Birthmother. Thousands respect their children's right to know. There are honorable people in this world. There are wonderful Adoptive Parents and I have been blessed by them and the love I see for their child. My Daughter's Mother said once, "I love you not only because you are Emily's Birthmother, but also because of who you are." * * * * * * * * * Some say a good Birthmother would not wish for continued contact - for if she did it would only be for her own selfish reasons. She has given birth, She has given of herself and she has given her child - should she then go back to her corner? Shall she be honored as long as she is silent? Would you feel content knowing she is only a shadow of what once was and what could of been but was not - Weare flesh and blood. She has a voice and she chooses to use it. Shehas a story and she chooses to tell it. She has everything to fear.Still she stands. * * * * * * * * * Open adoption is not about having your cake and eating it too. It is not some delicious way to escape from being a parent. It is not a icing-topped way to greedily hold onto my child. There is nothing appetizing about not having my Daughter with me. The truth will always remain that your child's Birthmother is not your child's parent - just as it will always be that you are not your child's only Mother. * * * * * * * * * Those who are expecting:If you know that an open adoption is what is best for your child and yourself, tell the adoption agency ofyour wishes. Talk it over with a counsler and also do some research on your own (If I hadn't done my own research, I wouldn't have known about true open adoption). Here at Adopting.Org there are professionals who are able to share valuable information with you. There are also those who have been there and can offer valuable advice as well. Click the 'Birthfamily' link to find out more - or visit Courtney and myself at the 'Expecting' message board. Remember, this is your child and you are it's mother- until you sign your parental rights away - if you so choose. * * * * * * * * *Skye Hardwick (c)2001Do not use without Author's permission.
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